My daughter and I are already planning a second viewing without her little brother because he’s really only there for Spider-Man and Hulk.

People forget that Shakespeare was Common tripe back in his day. You know. For the masses.

Not yet. Give it a week+. 

Seriously. “Dad?”

Saw it today in a packed house.

Seriously?

Yes. Adventures in Babysitting was in my head the whole time.

I am dead.

Thank you.

Their garments are uncomfortable as fuck and can’t even hold up through the wash in a lingerie bag.

My mom’s side of the family is from Schenectady, and I just snorted salsa out my nose.

We get routed through 911 no matter what type of call or what time of day. And then I stand there and argue that it's not an emergency. Like the time my dumbfuck neighbor's friend left his dead car blocking our driveway.

They've been reported to the FBI.

Darn it I just said out loud, "Which Doobie you be?" and laughed so hard the dog got scared.

I rarely do this anymore, but The Ghost of Rochester would be a great album name.

My daughter, who is 12, was entirely skeeved by the face teeth until I pointed out that he could use Scope as a facial toner.

I’m going to say I’m sorry because I’ve been there.

Still trying to figure out where the genetic superiority comes in.

Yes.

Oh fuck off with the Obama shaming.