After sex I just crack their ribs open and eat them, that way they are not ALLOWED to speak.

But we just finished smoking something.

Percheskey is referring to his fleshlight.

Because “You still here?” is totally frowned upon?

Have you considered bottoming out? It makes everybody much more impressed with future mediocrity.

I feel that. I’ve also given up on today. I’m currently building a ‘make your own pizza’ online order that I will pull the trigger on right as I leave work so that I will be greeted by a large pepperoni situation shortly after I arrive at home. #blessed

is Ted Cruz groping himself?
“...and the hooome of the...HHNNNNGG *tweaks nipple* bb-b-b-brraaaave...uuhhhhhhyeaaah”

I’m continually baffled about the full-throated demand for visible patriotism. It’s possible to be very patriotic without plastering the flag over every part of your body, wearing flag pins, or arranging one’s limbs in required formation during moments of high emotion. There’s no requirement to put one’s hand over…

This is excellent. I kind of want to do something similar to this- a “birth” announcement upon completion/acceptance of my thesis. It’s my baby, dammit. I’ll obnoxiously post photos of me cradling and staring down at the hardcover bound book, listing all the details like, “she’s a solid 1.5 lbs, 8.5 x 11 inches, with…

don’t worry, they’ll tell us where they fit on the list

You’d think a company so focused on periods would be better with decimal points.

The article literally recommends using free market principles as a method of fixing the problem, so I’m going to go ahead and assume she knows what capitalism is.

UGH don’t get me started on the deposit I had to put down in order to cover the cost of my disembodied wailing. Apparently because I’ll be shrieking at a higher pitch than male ghosts, the premium goes up. Plus I have to sign a clause that forces me to promise that when I fill elevators with blood, that I’m using…

It’s the ten days of funerary games following my burial that are proving the most financially draining. Apparently all the glitter and feathers needed to turn four chariots worth of horses into “pretty pretty princess Pegasus unicorns” is not easy on the Hello Kitty pink glitter coin purse. Glitter may cost extra, but…

There is more to this story and I must hear it.

Also, because the trolls are out in full force today, this picture is safe and related to what you said, I swear!

I’d ask you to explain it to us, but I doubt our lady brains could handle it.

Seriously. When they said stunt woman, I was expecting a highly skilled, disciplined athlete/actor.

I feel that way about a lot of things: fireworks, concerts, weddings, even the athletes walking in the Olympic parade. Someone else took infinitely better pictures than you and were paid to do so.

On a similar subject, why do people feel compelled to take photos of really famous art? I went to Versailles and whole tour buses spent their visit looking at everything through their cell phones and iPads. It’s famous art, there are books with high quality images in it! The Internet has pictures! You’re missing the…