GAH. This is my actual nightmare. Not as bad at all, but one night when I was like, 20 and driving home alone from a movie, this guy followed me flashing his high beams for miles. I was taking a weird country road home, so it was really unlikely he happened to be going that way. He was incessant. Never beeped, but…

That squirrel (or other animal) scratching will drive you insane. I had squirrels in a ceiling and they were wily fuckers. Any we had exterminators and whatnot out to the house, and they couldn’t find any direct evidence, and the poisons/traps/barriers didn’t work. I had horrible nightmares all the time about being…

Lol animals are the worst, they will fuck with you, no joke.

the mug thing actually happens a lot if you put cold water in the glass, and condensed water forms a seal around the bottom edge. Air trapped beneath the glass will actually cause the glass to move or float across a surface. Fun fact.

BEST TIME OF YEAR EVERRRRRRRRR

Let this be the first and only joke of its kind.

IT’S TIMEEEEE

NOOOOOOOOOOO these scare me so much every year and I read all of them!

As editor in chief of Splinter, I must state that Splinter does not endorse Hamilton Nolan’s views about the eclipse. I do, however, support him emotionally.

Sorry to be narcissistic, but someone took this video of me saying goodbye to Emma and I think it’s really sweet.

I frikkin did!

I always use Joanna Rothkopf’s own KEDSUM 200PCS ADHESIVE CABLE CLIPS, WIRE CLIPS, CAR CABLE ORGANIZER, CABLE WIRE MANAGEMENT, DROP CABLE CLAMP WIRE CORD TIE HOLDER FOR CAR, OFFICE AND HOME to affix my feminist patches to my clothing. That makes me extra feminist.

One day, the kids will see the movie and ask, “Did it really happen like that?” And we will shake our heads sadly and explain that, no, it was so much stupider.

Spicer: “The president has an EXCEPTIONALLY LARGE, FULLY ENGORGED PENIS!!!” *storms off*

Just for curiosity’s sake (pun not intended, but hey never miss an opportunity) what would the cash value of all this software be?

That part was amazing. This is the most relevant SNL has ever been.

answer the question jim.

Answer the question, Jim.

Jim what’s your limit