To be fair, insurance would be really cheap if it wasn’t for all the sick people.

“Hey don’t miss the exit for the river that takes us back to the ocean this time!”

For nearly a year, Republicans screamed that they would hold off on confirming Garland until after the election (an unprecedented move) because the presidential election was a “referendum” on the Supreme Court nominee:

Why would you think that an MG is going to run on the weekends? It won’t.

I’m here to demand justice for D.B. Pooper!

Last week my mother changed our family cell phone plan with consulting me. She got talked into “upgrading” from our grandfathered plan into a new plan that costs more and offers fewer benefits. I was understandably irate.

PS - I have met the Muppets (set visit for filming of Muppets Most Wanted) and meeting Kermit the Frog is the best experience one can have on this planet. I am not kidding. I almost cried.

Unless he took their guns.

“Hang on, let me pour this 64 ounce Coke into my lap. There. Ahhh, bliss.”

I typed out a transcript in case anyone isn’t able to watch the video:

Considering Tuesdays’ affinity for tacos, it was only a matter of time.

“I raised you better than this, son. Harumph.”

Worst Foodspin article ever. Not one recipe for dog.

how-old also seems to think that Ted Cruz is a woman, that might be worth looking into as well...

“State law states you must use your turn signal for 200 feet under 50 mph and 300 feet over 50 mph.... Indiana is dumb.”

“WHO KNEW MOTORCYCLE MANUFACTURING WAS SO COMPLICATED?”

I had the same thought. It’s like covering one of the holes on your showerhead and interpreting water still coming out as proof that it wasn’t used.

“What the fuck is a ‘pension’?”