“Your boobs are nice” is fine. You don’t have to act like it’s a huge surprise that they’re nice. 

At this point I'm pretty sure my passing for lunch was just an excuse and that he just didn't want to date me. I was kind of bummed because he said he had a Prince Albert and I was looking forward to trying it out. Now I'll never know! (Unless my husband gets one which is highly unlikely)

We never got to the penis-viewing part, because once he said that I realized this guy did not turn me on even a little and I was out of there. 

Re: trying too hard: Way back 100 years ago when the internet was just BBSes, I was sending messages back and forth with a guy a few years older than me. He eventually wanted to meet up, so I told him I had a community theater audition Saturday and he could swing by. I made a joke, from some show I’ve long forgotten,…

This is severely underrated petty. (Signed, a lefty)

It’s not even shorter! Why?!?

My ex-husband once gave me a two foot tall Animaniacs water tower piggy bank as a birthday gift. I had never expressed any particular love for piggy banks or the Animaniacs. Also, I was 25 so wtf was I even going to do with a piggy bank? 

My spouse is also slightly allergic to our dog (who I adopted long after we were married, ostensibly for our daughter). He manages.

I’ve only been here 6 years, but I'm still working on Puyallup. My mouth just does not want to do that. 

I also insisted on splitting or taking turns paying when I met Mr. Bells. He said "sure no problem" aaaand we've been married 15 years. 

Bringing you out of the greys because this is SUPER petty and I love it.

I felt like he was implying that he thought they’d be ...ugly? Because they were small?

People do this ALL THE TIME in Seattle and I don’t get it. They’re all so bad at it! They’ll be blocking an entire parking garage while they maneuver their giant Lexus into a space backwards for like 5 minutes!

Also it was fucking California Pizza Kitchen. Lunch was like $35, FFS. It’s not like I was dropping hundreds on sushi or something.

I always feel bad for my high school friend Chad when I see things like this. Then I remember he’s a surgeon with a ridiculously hot wife and I figure he’s doing ok.

Yeah I dumped a guy once after he said he was “pleasantly surprised” by my breasts. I think he thought that was complimentary.

My husband is very like my dad but I’m ok with it. Like, both of them say pistachio is their favorite ice cream flavor. It cracks me up.

FO SHO (but it still annoys the crap out of me, especially when I see guys whining about being expected to pay for dates)

I’m not sure I can remember any of mine, because I’ve been married for like 15 years, but:

And if it wasn’t this kid’s hair, it’d be someones shoelaces or a water stain on the ceiling or a bird out the window. ANYTHING is a “distraction” when you’re bored.