I’m lucky in that my MIL would see a mess in my house and ask her son why HE hasn’t cleaned it up. I am apparently a saint in her eyes and can do no wrong!

I was sitting in a restaurant in the mall across from an Orogold. IDK if you’ve seen one of those stores, but they AGGRESSIVELY try to shove a sample into your hands, and if you take it they practically drag you into the store. In the time I watched, they tried that on every woman that walked by ... except for the…

Oh thank you, I sometimes think I’m the only one who can’t abide sports bras with no fastenings. Like, 99% of them are pull-on and I have to search all over for one that zips or hooks. And then half the time my options are black or white only.

I’ve definitely used shapewear for lower back support, but boy it’s not fun to get that shit on and off.

I only clicked because I’m super distracted by that zipper on the side of her dress. Why are the ends of the zipper tape above the dress? What fashion fuckery is that?

It’s even dumber because she was pregnant and didn’t actually even film in the wedges. They were CGI-ed in afterward.

Natalie Portman. Love her, but she peaked with “The Professional.” and she was what, 11?

I was singing it to preschoolers 25 years ago at least. It’s weird to me that suddenly NOW it’s a phenomenon.

My maiden name was Anglicized French for “of the laurel”. Which isn’t really a proper last name; some ancestor of mine got an award and tacked it onto his name. It’s like if I said my name was Jane Wonfivebucksinthelottery.

I’ve decided my “weird Amazon erotica” niche is going to be alien researchers describing human sex. I’m pretty sure that one hasn’t been done to death. Yet.

I first saw them on Modcloth, but I won’t buy them from there because Modcloth can’t write a size chart to save their freaking lives. I bought one from Esther Williams directly and their chart was an entire size different.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01EBQ0VXE/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Same, I will do a bikini top with boyshorts because I want to do less shaving and I don’t give a fuck about my tummy.

This is what I tell dudes who send me dick pics. 

I literally put Pokemon Go back on my phone to motivate me to take walks after cardiac surgery. That shit works. I’m embarrassed that it works, but it works.

I am regularly accused of lying about my age but no one has yet suggested that I’ve had surgery. I just have chubby baby cheeks. And I still don’t understand why I’d lie and say I’m *older*.

My dudes, there are probably 10 women in the whole entire world that care about your jaw muscles or your testicle size. I guarantee that is not the thing you should be focusing on to be attractive to women.

I'd be like... the rules say no catsuit, but they don't say I can't be stark fucking naked, right? 

He is also much better, although he needs to remember to do his strength training and his range of motion is still limited. My going to the gym and regularly kicking his ass on our Fitbit challenges is motivating him though 😁

BIG FUCKING MOOD right?