Sometimes my fingers still type out gawker.com and I start crying again.

No one ever becomes a billionaire without being ruthless.

Most people put sauce on their Chik-fil-a, otherwise they wouldn’t have like 29 different sauces and mayo, the sauce for Mormons.

Someone must have told him he would have the right of prima nocta when he was king. That someone was probably himself.

Panda Express is authentic Chinese-American food, since, well, it was founded by Chinese-Americans. 

“I didn’t realize that the company that exploits my labor would also exploit my name.”

I’d rather have Canada instead.

I’ve tried it and prefer it to jarred mayo, since it doesn’t have the sulfur stink of mayo. 

Boner Street Slime.

Isn’t the point of conceal-carry that you carry the gun on you? Sorry, I mean The gun.

These are expert-level tendies for Big Boys.

That’s right, pendejos. Listen to this boy. They’re pinches orejas. 

This is about saving the environment, not some fat asses.

NOT MY In-N-Out@!#@!

Does this man have unusually short arms, or is it the cut of his off-the-mortuary-rack suit?

They probably realized she was onto something and wanted to get ahead of the curve. Pretty smart of them to create a tendie sammy.

UGHHHHHH...that last shot on the french fries made me nauseous.

Tastes like nothing and is ruining the planet. This is fast-food’s holy grail: cheaper to produce and it won’t affect their customer’s habits.

The alternative was serial killer, so I guess he chose the greater of two evils.

This gets me right in the T-zone: as someone who loves quesadillas and folding pizza slices to eat them. I give it a rating of three Kobes.