• Brady passes Moon (needs 420,414,852)

This is a really funny comment.

Hey, look, all I know is that between the McDonalds and Burger King in my town, Burger King burgers only give me regret, while McDonalds burgers give me regret, plus green (possibly radioactive) spiky deathshits for the rest of the day. If I need to start paying for my whoppers in beaver skins or Euros or whatever…

Teacher: Now Johnny, if Adrian Peterson has 3 touchdowns, 110 rushing yards and 40 receiving yards, but loses 2 fumbles, what will Mr. Peterson's end result be?

"It's week 10. Murph, the deadbeat in your league, hasn't paid his entry fee yet but his team is likely to miss the playoffs. You are the commissioner. Murph has offered you Julius Thomas and Julio Jones in exchange for not beating his ass over $75. What is the probability that you win the league by adding those…

Unfortunately, due to his poor financial planning, Gordon will now spend the whole season imitating Johnny Manziel's money gesture while laying on a sidewalk in downtown Cleveland.

What's funny is that if we were talking about a bridge rather than a football player, everyone would be ecstatic about an upheld suspension.

It seems fair. After all, he did stomp Andre Gurode, possess six firearms while on probation, shoot himself in the leg, receive illegal benefits at Ohio State, knock out his fiancee in an elevator, smoke pot.

A mariner who wants nothing more than to catch something that is fast, large, and mysterious. It reminds me of my favorite novel, The Great Gatsby.

Pretty good dodge by Beltre, but I've repeatedly foiled attempts to touch my head because BUSH DID 9/11 WATCH THE VIDEO JET FUEL DOESN'T BURN HOT ENOUGH TO MELT STEEL.

I mean, I don't know what kind of life experiences you've had, Samer, but whenever anyone has repeatedly tried to make contact with my head, it typically means that I'M about to hit a home run.

How far did he punt that player?

ESPN: Sorry we didn't get a chance to meet with you the other day.

Maybe he should give them some slack if a great five weeks of baseball hasn't swayed a generation of stink just yet.

Pitching Coach: Now just like we talked about, imagine you're angry and throwing the ball right at your husband's face

As anyone who went to school in NC knows, the only real academic fraud in the state is a degree from ECU.

Yahoo reached out to Boyer's father, but he was "not really ready to comment."

You know what they say, "When there's grass on the field, that's Wimbledon. The U.S. Open is played on hard courts, you stupid fucking asshole."

Hell, I'd never shower with the guy. Or, for that matter, any other guy. Or girl. Hell no. That's just not how I roll. And I'm damn sure not about to shower in an open locker room. Hello, what about privacy? Who are these people who are showering in front of all these other people? Not me, that's who. Everyone rubbing…

Interviewer: In your opinion, do recent advances in sports science help prevent injury?