The guy I lost my virginity to was a teenage cinephile who played Velvet Underground cassette tapes while we made out in his Dodge Dynasty for nine months of sweaty blue-balled hell before I got the nerve to let him put his peen in. He planned a time his parents wouldn't be home so we could do it in the dignity of his…

Alcohol sucks.

I have such wonderful memories of building complicated Lego sets with my father. I loved poring over the instructions with him and building something impressive and (often) functional from a bag of bits.

Because of varying body proportions (such as arm/leg to torso ratio), I find it difficult to believe that this product will be perfect in getting your alignment where it needs to be. Also, there are important alignment issues in all poses regarding pelvic angle and shoulder blade placement that would be simply…

To be fair, her name is Prudence, not Self-Actualization. Her advice, whether it's good or not, is the prudent thing to do.

What bothers me about the padded sports bra is the implication that the consumer is an impractical creature, so constantly preoccupied with the eyes on her that she must, even in the gym, be pleasing to them.

Yaaaaaaaas!!!!!!!

I don't really understand the value of professional engagement photos, but I'm sure the photographers of the world are grateful for the trend.

I don't really understand the value of professional engagement photos, but I'm sure the photographers of the world are grateful for the trend.

In my elementary school they showed a video on menstruation that featured the cast of Annie the Musical. The girls merrily showed off a line backstage, either taped or painted on the wall, the height of which indicated when you were too tall for your role and had to retire. Then there was the obligatory animated…

Portia's memoir is actually readable.

I find it confusing when successful people believe in divine will. A good life takes a lot of hard work to make, and I wonder whether the idea that you are simply following God's path for you cheapens your success.

I like this series. I used to work at an upscale restaurant with an inn and spa attached. One night I waited on a particularly terrible couple who are notorious in my region for their political power and wealth. They were unnecessarily rude to me (calling me "girl," not saying thank you), and they did not tip on their…

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE SAMANTHA!!!!!!! Oops.

I think compassionate leave should be given to those in early sobriety. Many workplaces allow medical leave for hospital detoxes or inpatient rehabs, but it takes some time to adjust to life in the real world. Also, post-acute withdrawal!

I would not have wanted to be the graphic designer on this photo retouch. "Shinier, shinier, make me shinier" (foaming at mouth) "Golder, smoother, shinier!!!"

You meant assonance, not alliteration. Assonance is a good word to know, if for no other reason than that you simultaneously get to say "ass" and sound intelligent.

I have a lot of love for this comment. I am in my late twenties and have lately been thinking about how one is young and conventionally beautiful for such a small fraction of one's life. Considered over the totality of our time on Earth, we are only acceptably luscious for a couple decades, and if we find fulfillment…

I am imagining a cheerleader alone in the privacy of her apartment. She burps, looks around, and says, quietly, "Excuse me."

I want to scoop my eyes out with a melon baller.