Jezebel, Jezebel. What have you done to me?

They didn't link to the old saw about "the lady who took a live lobster and stuck its tail in her pussy and used a lighter to make the tail move. Then, after the best orgasm of her life, she went to sleep. A few days later, she went to the bathroom and realized that she was giving birth to baby lobsters! She passed…

Actually they're illegal without the written consent of both parties unless there is a court order. But don't let facts get in the way of your ridiculous sperm-jacking panic.

Jesus, the tree man...One of the "tree man" guys squatted in my building for a few months in 2012 and always thought it was super funny to scare the little kids I nannied at my apartment. He was the woooooorst.

At one point, she asked if he would consider quitting his job to be a stay-at-home father given how much he wanted a baby. "That just wasn't the plan he had in mind," she said.

Umm- relying on teenage boys who watch a lot of porn is a GREAT way to boost teenage girls' egos. Come- lets clap for this wonderful idea.

Ugh. Get a life. She's a kid. And likely more interesting at 11 than you'll ever be.

This is bound to happen when you head to Venezuela to sell...

wat

I call everything gifs. Because I have no game. Your comment game is always on point, regardless.

http://jezebel.com/i-generally-do…

I can think of some "swift and strong action" that would be appropriate. How fast does a bullet travel?

Mr. Nerdy and Baby Birdy - I swear this looks like it could be a picture of me and my Dad from 1984. It's alarming.

Spent the entire day lounging in my bed, studying for epidemiology. It was nice, I had the entire house to myself.

I have not had a decent haircut in more than a decade. My hair is that type that you cannot call wavy OR curly, its halfway between the two, fine and thick and fuzzy.

;)

She's glowing because she made the rest of the photo black and white, which is hilarious in and of itself. She's trying to magic eye trick us into thinking her face is the most full-of-life thing in the room, instead of the stocked bar on her right. But the stocked bar steals the show! Look how naturally beautiful…

After the babies were born, I'd sometimes forget about them—not in a leave-them-in-the-car way, but, like, when they'd wake me up at night I'd be confused for a few seconds. "What the fuck is that godawful noise? Oh, yeah... it's you. You're a thing."

It happened with all three kids. New babies are brain-fucks, man.

ALL ELECTRONIC DEVICES MUST BE STOWED PRIOR TO TAKEOFF, SIR