The jukebox contains only B-sides from mid-60's British Invasion rock bands.

In a weird way you have to respect the sheer balls of being named (by multiple business magazines) one of the worst CEO's in American history and then running for president on your "business acumen".

I thought "Jade Helm 15" was a rare armor drop in Skyrim.

I served on a jury once. The judge did not appreciate me humming the Law and Order theme song between witnesses.

The day my brother told me he likes that show is the day I realized how fucking old he is.

Hi Mr. Neilsen! How's the ratings business going?

Yo dawg, I heard you like to drink whiskey, so I put some whiskey in your whiskey so you can drink whiskey while you're drinking whiskey!

Well for your information smart guy, I can't drink some whiskey because I'm already drinking whiskey.

A woman head of state? Oh, you wacky Brits…

My family is Irish but that doesn't make me qualified to open a whiskey distillery. Or maybe it does?

Philly? Eh, I mean you guys are basically New Yorkers. Close enough anyway.

Election? I thought you guys had a king or some shit.

"deconstructed" = we didn't mix it. I.e. the salad isn't tossed, the ravioli has cheese on the side, and the "sandwich" is a pile of meat and lettuce with two slices of bread on a different plate. Oh and it's 20% more expensive for some reason.

"My steak is raw and my friend's steak is completely charred black. We both ordered medium rare."
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"Art is subjective. Every patron is going to experience it differently. That's the beauty of the medium!"

I've heard the fare is needlessly stuffed with superfluous obscure ingredients from different cultures, which never quite congeal together properly and leave customers with a product that tries desperately to be worldly but is ultimately flavorless.

You're right, they should wait to do an article about this report until the season actually starts four months from now and it's no longer a news story.

New England fans are just New York fans with more annoying accents. It's funny that these two places think the whole country is supposed to pick one side or the other. The truth is that the rest of us think you're both insufferable assholes.

The asymmetry of baseball stadiums and rules is one of it's defining charms. There was a period where most teams played in identically-sized cookie cutter stadiums and it sucked balls.

The most astonishing thing about this whole fiasco is that until now the NFL allowed individual teams to provide their own game balls for their own offensive series'. That is almost colossally stupid. There is no reason why teams would need or want to do that, other than so that they could doctor the ball for…

Or you could just send them to the Lost Woods which will occupy them for several days, during which they will go insane from hearing the stage music over and over again on a loop.