That’s exactly what I thought when I read this:

I guess you finished the article before this gem came out

Once golf starts using trained birds to drop the balls into the hole, then you can start comparing it to dressage.

They might change their minds once the Kitchen Brothers pay them a little visit.

Passenger: “Really? Wayfarers, a fedora and a Buick? I’ll get through this Tinderdate with as little eye contact as possible”.

They say they’re America’s Team but I’m not feeling it

Couldn't they have side bets on every play? Computers in front of every seat like they have at the opera.

Three hours at a football game is three hours that somebody is not gambling. Casinos aren't in the business of encouraging visitors to spend time outside.

I actually live in a city. It’s just not a poorly designed, oil-reeking swampass disaster like Houston where people apparently need to carry around a gun in their cargo shorts.

Oh no...Michael Jordan is going to be sad if this happens. I wish there were some visual depiction that I could share to show you how sad.

Nah, he’d be amaized. Would probably just walk away in disbelief, muttering to himself “How...”

He would have Reservations.

Wherever Chief Zee is now, at least it ain’t Philadelphia.

Imagine if Penn State simply hadn’t commissioned the Freeh Report.

When asked about the incident Green responded, “That shit was weeks ago!”

Did you know Draymond Green was once suspended for a pattern of hitting people in the dick and balls?

If the Earth were round, Giancarlo Stanton’s dingers would go straight into outer space. Think about it, you guys.

“There’s a cultural desert there.”

Lt. Scott Wrigglesworth: FOR THE LAST TIME, STOP ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT THE NAME!!! I’M SICK TO FUCKING DEATH OF ANSWERING THIS- oh, you mean the NBA player’s name?