Can you please put a trigger warning. Not everyone finds the images of dead black bodies titillating like white people do. Like would you just throw up an image of a white woman looking like that with no warning?

I think maybe she just doesn't enjoy pregnancy - it's common enough. You don't need to be mean !

This will out me as someone who watches RHOBH, but the dog has alopecia and is actually bald except for its head and paws. Hence the ridiculous outfits.

I've learned the best way to loan money is to not consider it a loan - consider it a gift and only give the amount of money you'd be willing to/can afford to give without getting it back. That way if you don't get it back - whatever it was a gift - but if you do get it back it's just a nice bonus

You actually got one! Because we paid in advance when we turned in our permission slips, you could get a small Slurpee and then just WALK OUT OF THE STORE. I felt like highest of fucking high-rollers that day. Kindergarten was the shit.

The customer was stupid because instead of asking if it had guacamole in it, they should have asked “what idiot came up with this abomination?! Pineapple belongs in a fruit bowl, it has no place in guacamole”.

i’ve said the first part before, because i had to fix the darned things when i worked at checkers and taco bell. yep, the calibration of syrup to carbonated water can be adjusted. but tastes like calibration? wow. sounds like she was parroting the first part and didn’t understand the difference between adjusting the…

Soup is just a bowl of room temperature ketchup! Everyone knows this!

My husband took me all the way to Minnesota to witness this after I read about it in a mystery novel. It was a glorious thing to behold (although I wonder if it would have been half as awesome if I hadn’t been full of deep fried things at the time).

I thought the point was that if your soup is too hot, let it sit there and it will cool. Likewise, if your drink is too cold, let it sit there and it will get warmer.

3. Customer: “I would like an IPA.”

+ gravy = poutine

The soda machines where I worked did have to be calibrated periodically to ensure correct mixture of syrup and carbonated water, and they did get messed up sometimes. Doesn’t excuse “tastes like calibration”. WTH.

This is not meant to be a Pinkham's Law, because queso family was pretty stupid. But appreciation of the fine art of butter carving should not be associated with turdiness. This summer I went out of my way to behold dairy princess heads carved from butter at the State Fair. Three times! Why wouldn't you want to see…

They used to display them in little cast iron pots; thus the joke.

I want to hire a lady to follow me around in a wedding dress, accusing everybody I see of “Ruining my wedding day!”

If you want a special wedding day that’s all about you, a bar is certainly the PERFECT place to go, considering it will surely be the site of your funeral.

Doing a dine and dash by ferry. I mean, that’s so stupid you kind of have to give the guy props for even coming up with such a brilliant scheme. Nice of him to leave a tip, though.

“Most of our white pizzas (including the Philly cheesesteak) had a crème fraîche and cheese sauce instead of the classic tomato. It was delicious and we used to make it fresh in the back.”

In actuality, vodka martinis aren’t a cocktail, but are really liquid bullshit.