“The fuck, mom. What. The. Fuck?”

That’s what the sonar is for. Vibrates that extra chromosome right out.

And won’t someone acknowledge the scourge that is “microscopically”?!

If by “ambidextrous” we mean “completely lacking in motor skills,” absolutely.

I’m told there’s still a gorgon in the Black Sea. She fell in love with Alexander the great, and she appears to sailors to ask them if he is still alive. You have to say, “He lives and reigns,” because if you tell her the truth she’ll get pissed off and sink your ship.

A friend of mine nearly miscarried because her bosses at McDonalds wouldn’t give her a chair. When her doctor put her on disability because she was dilated 3cm at 6 months, her boss said, and I quote, “Tell them you can’t.”

That’s lovely! My dog ran away the first day we got her. We didn’t get her back for another three days, and it was awful awful awful. But now she doesn’t even like to be in a different room from us. If your kitty already knows enough to come back to your driveway, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

I can only speak for myself, but my partner and I ditch each other to hang out with other people ALL THE TIME. We hang out with people together, too, but my point is that you don’t lose anything by asking. If they want their alone-couplesies time, they’ll say no, and if they’re not total jerks they’ll suggest another…

I just found out that the producers for Parks and Rec did at least some of their research for the town meeting scenes in my town. According to city staffers there is not a ton of exaggeration. So...yay? I think?

Ugh. I try really hard not to judge other people’s spending choices, but I know a few people that alternately bitch about how poor they are and brag about the fancy expensive thing they just bought. I knew someone who talked for weeks about hunting down and buying this amazing vintage sewing machine, and then a few…

You’re not a failure for making different choices than your sisters, and you’re not selfish for occasionally buying into the Hierarchy of Life Choices that gets shoved down everybody’s throat. If you can, do what you can to help your sister and her baby (and other kids, if she has them), and remember that you’re doing…

Blazers blazers blazers forever. Even if you’re like me and the world does not actually produce blazers that fit the shape of your body (seriously, what is up with my shoulders??), get a few that look like they fit as long as you don’t try to button them, and wear them over everything.

KENNY LOGGINS YESSSSSSSS

Your mom is a complete boss for getting through that whole thing with a straight face. I’m pretty sure I would’ve completely melted about the third time I tried to say, “Actually, it’s a parasol,” to the bus driver.

This is exactly why my ex-husband wears a tie for the first week of school every year. It’s probably less of an issue now that he’s in his mid thirties, but when he first started it was a lot of trouble. Once he showed up at the school a few days early in shorts and a tshirt to get his classroom keys, and the people…

Seriously. “Interspersing this political intrigue/murder/chamber drama with soothsaying witches? Yeah, ok. A deity shows up? WAY TOO SUPERNATURAL!!”

I actually kind of would share the kangaroo one if it didn’t have the part at the bottom. It looks like something out of Clickhole.

Trailer needs more witches. You can learn everything you want to know about any adaptation of Macbeth by how they do the witches.

Some baristas I used to know would completely decaffeinate asshole regulars over a week or two, and then start randomly giving them regular, half-caf, or decaf on different days.

Llamas should be an option for every rite of passage, really.