We’ve already decided that part of our vow has to be, “If I say there is a ghost in the house, there is a damn ghost in the house. Don’t make me set up video cameras all over the place before you believe me that all the cups stacked themselves on the counter.” (This has not happened, nor do we expect it to, but we …

Me too.

“Mother is very special, especially when you think about how many women in the world are whores.”

And there’s one that is similar with a jalapeno burger, and I’m like, “Don’t eat jalapenos and then rub jalapeno and meat juice all over yourself. What would your dermatologist say!?”

My understanding is that you don’t have to give them your pin, but they can force you to place your finger over the button if you have touch ID enabled. I’m pretty sure they are allowed to examine your phone, and they are allowed to hack it if they can, but you just don’t have to give them the pin.*

“...reaffirming our commitment to NATO...”

Yeah, I kind of hate that I already know exactly what Trump’s entire Cabinet was like in high school. :/

I don’t think I can succeed where prolonged physical discomfort has failed.

My goodness, that suit looks uncomfortable. I know it’s muscle under there, but it looks like my pants when I refuse to admit I have gained weight.

My guess is that the bride’s brother slept with the groom’s mother, and I will not be disabused of this notion until someone comes up with a more outrageous theory.

Please, everyone, watch John Oliver’s “Donald Trump Can’t Shake Hands Right.” I was dying.

Yeah, driving home from a very sad election party, and waking up the next morning, that was the general sentiment: “Oh. This wasn’t a misunderstanding. You really hate us.”

So, he isn’t saying your body belongs to the fetus when you are pregnant (a repugnant-enough sentiment); he’s saying your body belongs to your sexual partner when you are pregnant. Or why would you need their permission?

For scary shows sometimes my husband asks me to watch first so I can warn him when the scares are.

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Lifetime Movie of the Week would include being murdered by her husband after showing off her dance moves.

This is the most relatable thing he’s done in years. Secret passages are 100% part of my “If I were rich” plan.

There are several people I work with that I hope you never talk to. They are afraid to retire, but their coworkers are counting the days.

I would like to prioritize the deportation (exile?) of U.S. citizens who publicly asked foreign hackers to hack their political enemies’ email.

I should have known Phil Spector was involved.