Wow. You're actually more boring than a philosophy major. Good day.

"Dont be so morally relative that your brain falls out, bruh."

Wat.

That seemed an odd reaction to me as well. "I can't believe the government hadn't racially profiled us to such an extent that they were maintaining the level of constant surveillance on us necessary to prevent this from happening!"

I know a guy who gave the whole spiel about women "who just regretted it the next morning." A few months later he raped someone. Which is one of the many reasons why I never trust people who say that.

Jesse and Zach are just asking for it by being in the presence of women.

Oh shit ladies, Jesse and Zach figured us out. It's true: all women are psychos and we can ruin your lives. The safest thing to do would be to not mess with women anymore. If you value your lives, Jesse and Zach and Jeremy, don't have sex with women anymore. It's just foolhardy to put yourself in that kind of…

Yeah, imagine being compared to the "perfect" princess who endures constant nastiness, endless concern trolling, extreme close-ups of crows feet and greying roots on the back of her head plastered across the front page of tabloids, and oddly derisive accusations that she "never speaks."

Don't get me wrong - very cool gossip, if true - just think she can do far better.

When I was seven, I also drew a man and woman, anatomically correct and naked and stabbed with knives with the simple caption "YOU." I left the sketch taped to my grandfather's front door. He had just died, and my parents were selling his house. The realtor came by with a prospective couple, while I stood next door…

" I done supposed wrong."

I remember rubbing a bunch of chapstick on a piece of leather furniture when I was small before being caught. I had supposed that since Chapstick was helpful for my lips when they got leathery, that it would also soften a leather sofa pleasantly. I done supposed wrong.

I used to chew up the chicken in Campbell's soup, then spit it back into the soup and eat it. Because the chicken was too tough, I guess.

Second grade. There was this big stack of colored paper and a large open window so I grabbed most of the stack and tossed it out the window, watching the courtyard updrafts make it float beautifully away, like large colored confetti (think: the plastic bag in American Beauty). Don't remember the reprisal although it…

OMG! That reminds me of the day my dad told me my mom had been fired. — since I was maybe four year old, I thought she had literally been set ablaze. I was pretty sure I was supposed to feel sad that my mom was dead, but my dad didn't seem all that fazed, so I kept my festerign grief to myself. You can imagine my…

I (and my best friend, but it was my idea) dragged a wagonload of rocks from my gravel driveway around our neighborhood, selling them door to door. Because we were little (about four) and cute, we made like $5, which in 1975 was really good money for a preschooler.

Oh my goodness where do I begin. Should I talk about my obsession with sharks, spiders, gemstones, or the sinking of the Titanic? No. Should I tell stories about how I used to "live" in the tree height hedges in our yard and would stay there for hours speaking in monkey language to myself till my mom would call me…

I am going to say two things because they are both good. One is brief, one requires more explanation.

Not mine, but Barnacle Bill was 2 when his little sister was born. His mom had gone through a pretty rough labor, so when he went into see her she was pale and exhausted.

When my dad was driving my brother, his friend and me home from school when I was in kindergarten, his friend was talking about how his class was having a Thanksgiving play. I thought to myself, "I want to be in a Thanksgiving play", so I chimed in that my class was having one too! I said that there were so many…