That is among the thirstiest tweets I’ve ever seen.

I don’t even like talking to people I like on the phone.

I kind of dont want to leave. It’s so cold in my office i’m wearing a sweater. outside it’s allegedly 104 degrees. don’t want to know if it’s true or not.

Lol, no, this woman is full of shit. There's no way in hell this actually happened.

Jezebel: I want to believe

I guess I’ll be that person here and admit that this sounds like a tall tale to me.

I often think about what I would do in these type of situations and tricking a wolf into getting attacked by a bear is not something I would think to do.

I’m no doctor, but I’d advise you not to let yourself get hit in the head on a daily basis the next 15 years. That and lay of the cocaine, HGH, PCP,steroids, and horse tranquilizers.

My heartgina say who dat boi when it sees Paul Ryan :(

Or “i’m here for the swimming, bozos”. That is my approach.

Why isn’t “I just want a 1-piece, show me all tank suits please.” a category? Perhaps a “Modest But Not Repressed” option?

“A little lost boy”?!?

That’s amazing. I wish I had custom boot money! As it stands I only have new without tags on eBay boot money.

If the police didn’t live to be wrong about domestic violence I could get behind this.

While I've never run away, I did have a similar college experience. My third year I stopped leaving my room, stopped going to classes, and basically watched movies all the time. I had completely shut down and was having panic attacks. There was such an immense fear of the impending failure, yet I never realized how…

The fish in my son’s aquarium turned cannibal and he had many, many questions about this. I’d very much welcome the chance to change the topic to lesbian fish.

Queue all the bigots*

I feel you, Jenny Slate. When I had a bad spate of migraines a few months ago, I barfed a lot at work and the office busy-body told everyone I was pregnant, then when I stopped barfing and was sad for a week because it was Mother’s Day and I missed my mom, the office busy-body told everyone that I miscarried.

I DON’T EVEN KNOW ANY MORE

I’m one of those people who always thinks that, say, Paris Hilton is a secret Mensa member or Anna Nicole Smith was actually getting a PhD in anthropology and her whole act was a cultural experiment. So, you know, I’m probably being too hopeful here.