Twinsies. I regularly go to the traveler’s section of department stores to see what tiny new items they have for emergencies.

Are you my dad? Stop boiling eggs wrong.

This thinking, right here, is why we cant have nice things.

I think this sounds odd because we’re used to guys not giving AF about anyone. I’ve walked around with kleenex, tampons, a small first aid and sewing kit since I was a teen and no one has ever found it weird.

The guy that runs Fark, wrote a book called; It’s Not News, It’s Fark: How Mass Media Tries to Pass Off Crap as News. It includes a chapter titled, “Equal Time for Nutjobs,” about how the media likes to give the opposite side of a story, even when it’s proven to be untrue for “the conversation,” when really they’re…

You’d need another bathroom, given how much vomiting you’d end up doing every time you remembered that you’d fucked Ted Cruz.

I feel like I’m pretty good at assessing the attractiveness of politicians apart from their political beliefs (let’s just say there have been a lot of “would you rather”s re: Rand Paul and Marco Rubio in my friendship circle of left leaning ladies).

Imagine electively having sex with Ted Cruz even if you weren’t expected to because you’re married and it’s your anniversary and he bought you a diamond bracelet. Sorry, I’m just trying to imagine a moment when Heidi Cruz justifies intimate contact with Ted.

seriously? Everyone always says I wouldn’t have sex with so and so for a million but think what you could do with a million. I would have sex with Ted Cruz for $100K and use that money to add on a bathroom in my house.

I actually came up with the most offensive “who would you rather have sex with if you HAD to: Ted Cruz or Mitch McConnell”. There is no right answer other than “I’d rather just die”.

...“Lazy Sunday” aired in the winter of 2005. I remember it vividly. I watched SNL cross-legged on the floor of my parents’ family room and watched, mouth agape. It was like nothing I had seen before, but in fairness, I was 14.

Are you kidding? I’d do it for free, take pictures, save the stained dress, and sell all the evidence to the highest bidder the week after the nominating convention.

The fact that one of them is dead-eyed Trump spokesperson Katrina Pierson is FAR AND AWAY my favorite part of the rumor. Like, do you think Trump knows? Knew when he hired her? Is asking her about it RIGHT NOW? Will someone ask her about it when she does a hit on CNN? Did she wear the bullet necklace the whole time?…

For most sex scandals involving politicians, I think, “yeah, maybe, probably” but this? I don’t want to believe so many people are willing to do this. I can hardly believe Heidi can do this.

This must be the kind of stuff Trump means when he talks about “worse than waterboarding.”

Corollary: How much money would you require to have sex with Ted Cruz?

I refuse to believe that Ted Cruz has found 6 women to voluntarily have sex with him.

Not only does he have a wife, but there are an additional five women in the country who willingly had sex with him? Him?!

I absolutely will not. How dare you.