My Dad has always wanted a fake Rolex. Not a real Rolex, but one that is obviously fake, preferably with ‘Rolex’ misspelled so that he can proudly show it off to people and see if anyone will try to tactfully point out that he’s been ripped off. He has weird life goals.

Why are those mailboxes green?

I think the real tragedy here is that we will be subjected to another 72 episodes of ‘Big Bang Theory’.

What the F is the possessed baby tattoo on his shoulder?

Chiming in here as a medical professional who also runs a sex shop:

Or, move your body in non-linear ways.

The messy room reminds me of something that happened to me in my early 20s. My sister and I shared an apartment. We were never home and partied a lot (hey, we were 21 and 23!). One time I came home late from work to find the door wide open to the empty apartment. Being the responsible person, I called the police to be…

I’m installing a Safe Haven Box for burritos immediately. They must be no more than 1 hour old.

Loop trails. The key is loop trails.

OH! And he got a laser pointer pen tonight and has insisted that I point it at things so he chase it. Forgot about that one. My daughter was doing it too.

“The bane of the profane is made plain mainly by DeSpain,” wrote one fan on the group’s wall.

Nice, but no. Arcata Eye’s precedes him by at least a decade, and again, Limericks:

“Do you even lift?” one is killing me rn

Is your son actually a cat and you haven’t noticed?

I send my kids to bed and then check on them about an hour later. My son will be nowhere to be found. I’ve been in the living room so I know he is still in the house. This happens a lot actually. I have this old hollow plastic chair. (A light goes under/in it) I have found him under/inside the chair. I have found him…

You’re right. Like a Bukowski original:

The Arcata Eye’s old police blotter was hands down the best. Plenty of wacky calls and characters, but even the mundane ones would be published as haiku or limericks. Sadly they stopped updating it a few years ago: http://www.arcataeye.com/2013/03/arcata…

Can we get a regular Jezebel feature of police blotter stories please and thank you.