Ooooh, I missed a golden opportunity:

That's my favorite pickup line.

That's gotta really mess with bookies' heads.

You know how I know St. Louis is a great leader? The entire team is playing just like him tonight.

That’s about as petty as me dropping Matt Garza from my fantasy team in the fifth inning yesterday.

I’m more impressed by the hustle that umpire showed than I am by the kid catching a ball in the webbing of a shirt that's too big for him.

Allow me to be the first (of many, I presume) to say... Don't cry for me, Argentina.

No questions asked, right?

Eh, I'd bang her. (In the fucking face. With my rear hooves.)

"We are gonna do our best to take the crows out of it early... Wish us luck." - Mag the Mighty

Don't start nothing', won't be nothing'!

Is it just me, or has Rudy been kind of a dick ever since Frodo took that ring back?

That headline for some reason reminds me of Al Gore circa November 2000.

Sumo Panda should get suspended for that slide. Completely irresponsible.

pornhub pretty much works as advertised.

Someone needs to knock the dustin off that pussy.

I think we can all agree that regardless of color, that dress is really, really fucking ugly.

Oh, yeah, fuck face? How are you planning on hiding your buttons, then?

Yeah, I was waiting for the punchline. Did the writer read the news today?

I think we all learned a valuable lesson from "The Boy Who Cried Wolf": After pulling the alarm for three nights in a row, on the fourth night someone needs to set their hotel on fire.