MAAHK WAHLBERG

BIGGEST MOOVIE OF THA YEEAH RIGHT HEEAH. EXCEPT FAH TED TOO. EVERYBAWWDYS MOST FAVORITIST LANDMAAHK TV SHOW EVAH COMES TO THA MOOVIES, THANKS TO MAHHKY MAAHK. YER WELCOME. MOVE OUTTA THA WAY WITH YER QUEEAH SOOPAH HEROES AND CAHTOONS AND SHIT, CUZ AWNTOORAAAAJ IS SET TAH DAWMINATE THA BOX OFFICE ALL SUMMAH. ALL YER…

WHAT AHH YOO TRYINA SAY, EXACTLY?

THASS RIGHT CUZ MAAHKY MAAHK IS AMERICA'S NUMBAH ONE MOST IMPAAHTANT MOOVIE STAAH

WOOSTAH IS FAH QUEEAHS, JOO BETTAH NOT COME ROUND DORCHESTAH SAYING THAT SHIT

GETTA LOADA THIS CAHMEDIAN ALL TRYIN A DO AN AAATHENTIC BAWWSTAN ACCENT

BY POPULAH DEMAAHND, MAAHKY MAAHK IS BACK IN EVERYBAWDDYS MOST FAVORITIST MOOVIE SERIES EVAH AS THA BELOVED CHARACTAH CALE YEAGAH. NO I AINT TALKIN ABOUT NO QUEEAH HARRY POTTAH SHIT, I'M BACK WITH MY TEDDY BEEAH. NO WAIT THATS THE OTHAH MOST FAVORITIST MOOVIE SERIES. I CANT KEEP ALL MY BLOCKBUSTAHS STRAIGHT.

CHICKENS FAH QUEEAHS. JOO SHOULD CHECK OUT WAHLBURGAHS, I HEEAH THEY MAKE WICKED TASTY BURGAHS.

NOW THAT WE GOT THAT QUEEAH MOVIE THA INTERVIEW OUTTA THEEATAHS, CLEEAHLY THEEAH IS ONLY ONE MOOVIE TA SEE THIS CHRISTMAS. BRING THA WHOLE FAMILY TO COME AND SEE MAHHKY MAAHK CONTINUE HIS BAWX OFFICE DAWMINATION IN THA GAMBLAH. WHADDELSE JOO GONNA SEE? ANNIE? THAT MOVIES QUEEAH. INTAH THA WOODS? QUEEAH. THA HAWBIT?…

WHADDAJOO TRYINA SAY HEEAH? MAAHKY MAAHK CAN PLAY IT AHHHL. I PLAYED A CAWP IN MAX PAYNE, A CAWP IN THA DEPAAAHTED, A CAWP IN WE OWN THA NIGHT, A CAWP IN THA OTHAH GUYS, AND A SCHOOLTEACHAH IN THA HAPPENIN. SO CLEEAHLY MAAHKY MAAHK HAS ESTABLISHED HIS REPERTWAAAH AS A DIVERSE ACTAH. I CAN SPEAK ENGLISH WICKED GOOD SO…

THASS RIGHT EVERYBAAWDY, FIND IT IN YER HEAAHTS TO FAHGIVE MAAHKY MAHHK. I AM A PILLAH OF THA CAHMUNIDY WITH ALL MY HAAAHD WORK SUCH AS DOIN SOME CHARITY TYPE SHIT, GIVIN OUT WAHLBURGERS TO EVERYBAHHDY, AND ACTIN IN FRONNA A GREEN SCREEN PRETENDIN THEEAHS A TRANSFORMAH STANDIN RIGHT THEEAH. AND THIS CHRISTMAS, MAAHKY…

HEY JOO GOTS ME ALL WRONG HEEAH. MAAHKY MAAHK IS ALL ABOUT PEACE AND LOVE FOR EVERYBAAHDY. EXCEPT THAT QUEEAH BEN AFFLECK. MAHHKY MAAHK IS WAITIN FOR HIS OFFICIAL PAAHDON SO'S I CAN BECOME A CAWWP AND KEEP THA STREETS SAFE FROM VIOLENT OFFENDAHS WHO MIGHT TRY TO BLIND SOME INNOCENT FELLAH.

BEHAAWLD, MAAHKY MAAHK'S MAAHSTAPIECE RIGHT HEEAH, IF WEEAHH NOT COUNTIN AWWNTOORAGE. NAAWT SINCE CHAAHLIE CHAPLIN OR AAARHSON WELLES HAS A NOO ACTAH EXPLODED AWFF THA SCREEN WITH AWWLLA HIS SHEEAH CHARISMAH. I DID WICKED GOOD ACTIN EVAN THOUGH IT WAS HAAHD TO DO THAT PAAHT WHERE I WAS JACKIN OFF IN FRONNA THAT GUY…

GEDDA LOADA DIS QUEEAH ALL TRYIN TO TAAHLK LIKE MAAHKY MAAHK. ANATHAAH ONEA THEESE THREADS WHERE I SHOWS UP AND THEEEAHS ALREADY LIKE FIVE HUNNAD COMMENTS FULLA QUEEAHS ALL TRYIN TAH TAHHLK LIKE ME.
MOVIN THA FAHHK ON, YEAH EVERYBAAHDY, MAAHKY MAHHK IS HEEAH TO PAHTROL THA STREETS JUST LIKE I DID IN MY BELOVED…

HATAHS BE HATIN, BUT I GOTTA OSCAH NOMINATION FUH MY PUHFAWMANCE IN THA DEPAAHTED. MAAHKY MAAHK HAS ACTED WITH AAALLA THA GREATS - JACK NICHOLSON, MAAAAHTIN SHEEN, GEEEARGE CLOONEY, BAWWBY DUVALL, AND OPTIMUS PRIME AND THEY WAS ALL IMPRESSED BY MY WICKED ACTING.

WHYJOO STOP THEEAH? KEEP GOIN WITH ALL MY OTHER ACCLAIMED PUHFAWMANCES LIKE LONE SUHVIVAH, THE YAAAHDS, THE CORRUPTAH, AND FEEAH.

HEY MAHHKY MAAHK DONT ACT FOR FREE HEEAH. THAT PAAHT WAS WICKED HAAHD TO DO CUZ I HADDA REMEMBAH ALL THEM NAMES. YOO WANTS TO HEEAH THAT, JOO GOTS TAH BUY TED ON DVD, OR THA BLOORAY IF YOOS ALL CLASSY LIKE ME.

MAAHKY MAAHK IS AMERICA'S MOST IMPAAHTANT ACTAH, PRADOOCAH, AND MOVIE STAAH, THEEAHFOAH HE IS AAAHLWAYS IN THA NEWS. I GOT A LAWT GOIN ON SEE, MY NOO MOOVIE THA GAMBLAH, THEN I'M PRADOOCIN AWWNTOORAAGH THA MOOVIE, THEN ME AND MY TEDDY BEEAH IS COMIN BACK IN TED TOO IN THEEATAHS NEXT SUMMAH, YOOS ALL GONNA BE SEEIN A…

MAAHKY MAAHK CAN'T HELP IT IF HE GETS OUDDA BED IN THE MAHHNIN AND SEES THEEAHS A THREAD WITH FIVE HUNNAD COMMENTS ALREAHDY THEEAH. MAHHKY MAHHK'S GODDA LIFE OUTSIDE THE AV CLUBS, YA KNOW?

COME AAWN EVERYBAAHDY, FAHGIVE YER OLD PAL MAAHKY MAAHK EH? THINK ABOUT AAAHL I'VE GIVAN BAAHK TO THA CAAHMUNITY WITH AAAHL MY BELOVED BLAAAHKBUSTAHS SUCH AS THE OTHAH GUYS, THE DEPAAHTED, AND I HAAAAHT HUCKAHBEES. AND AAHLSO THA GAMBLAH WHICH IS IN THEEATAHS THIS CHRISTMAS.