“I’d probably settle for my hospital tab—a few hundred bucks?”

Just wait a few years when you’ll be buying Kleenex by the pallet at Costco.

Before today, I’ve never even heard of anyone eating a peanut shell. If I ever saw that, I’d assume that person is from another planet.

By the way, I think we’ve all had that moment where you go to take a shit in a stall somewhere in parts unknown, and there’s no hook for your jacket. In fact, there’s no place at all for your jacket: no shelf, no sink, not even a doorknob to use. Where the fuck do you put your jacket then?

“Where the fuck do you put your jacket then? I’m not even pretending I have a good answer. Do you wear it? Do you put it in your lap? Do you put it on the toilet tank? Sometimes I put the jacket right on the shitter floor and it’s just the worst. I want to apologize to the thing.”

The best foods are foods that are require labor to eat: wings, ribs, oysters, mussels, clams, crabs, lobsters, peanuts, pistachios, sunflower seeds, bananas, etc. All that work just makes them taste that much better.

LOL. I know, right? I didn’t know what the fuck to call them. I mean, they didn’t pop so are they still considered popcorn. But they’ve gone through the popping process so they’re transformed somehow, right?

the unpopped popcorn things

I am definitely putting a hand towel in a sex robot’s butthole.

The first time I saw somebody eat the peanut shells was attending a ballgame with a friend. I have not spoken to that guy since and I maintain that was the right call.

NOTE: I just learned that three staffers here EAT the shells. Three! Fucking Burke said, “Why wouldn’t you, that’s where all the flavor is,” like a goddamn serial killer.

The sheer sexual thrill of breaking open a long peanut shell and seeing 3 full grown peanuts inside is reason enough for shelled peanuts being better than unshelled.

What does Trump’s hair look like 4 or 8 years from now.

only a lunatic would eat the shells of peanuts. I have known people to eat kiwi skins, apple cores, and sunflower shells without thinking it’s weird. I am relatively certain one of these crazed maniacs will kill me in my sleep someday.

Fighting you right the fuck now. Boiled peanuts taste like ass. Yes.... ass! Like chewing damp cardboard that you had to take out of a shell just to chew and be disappointed.

It’s the alt-right sports version of the girl who sued UT Law School for affirmative action all the way to the Supreme Court even though she was way too dumb to gain entrance in any alternate universe.

holy fuck i can’t believe the density of stupid packed into this.

Grrrr, grit grit grit.

Eli: “Odell, why wasn’t I invited to party with you guys?”

Boat trip looks borrrrrrring.