Girls have such a fleeting period of innocence in their lives before they become self-conscious and everything goes to shit. We should try to preserve that time for as long as possible, not comment on things girls can’t possibly control (boob growth rate).

When I was 13 my family took a trip to Mexico. We were at the pool bar (literally sitting on bar stools in the pool), and the entertainment guy comes up, starts dancing on the bar, and begins to pour tequila straight into people’s mouths. (I’m going to add that it was not unusual for kids to be sitting at the bar at…

Since we all might need a slightly happier tale, here’s a great response teachers can have when alerted to this, via a PE coach I had in sixth grade. I switched schools halfway through the year to escape bullying, and on my first day at the new one I was trying not to make waves. During PE I was just kind of hanging…

*mouth waters*

Throw your condoms in the trash people.

My favorite:

Jesus fucking Christ, white people. Can’t we get our shit together for like one fucking moment? Fuck this is horrible.

Six months? Maybe six weeks.

Rand Paul is so sexist he assumes women will vote for Hillary just because she is a woman. Didn’t they make this mistake back in 2012 with Sarah Palin? If “any woman will do” was all that mattered with women, John McCain would have been our current president. Yes Rand, women are smarter than you think. Asshole.

“At this time in our lives, racism was not the talk of the country nor had we ever witnessed the true power of social media, twitter was still fresh and we had never heard of anyone getting in trouble for posting anything on social media, it was the beginning of this social era.”

They get their tacos from McDonald’s. It’s called a got-damned hamburger, because I’ll be go-to-hell if my pappy fought on D-Day just so’s that a buncha got-damned illegals could come over here with their spicy foods and weird squigglies over their letters.

After two I would be like, you know what? I changed my mind.

I can’t stand those sanctimommy articles a lot of the new moms seems to be posting lately... “I Was a Moron Before I Became a Mother, But Now I’m Enlightened!” Get the hell over yourself! Yes, becoming a “mommy” (I also hate when a grown woman refers to herself as a mommy, unless she’s speaking to her young child)…

It’s not the event - it’s the frequency.

The facts that all women’s tops are now completely see-through and that I have never seen a sheer men’s shirt makes me ragey. JUST USE THE SAME FUCKING FABRIC AND CUT IT FOR A LADY!!!

What do we know? We’re just a bunch of uppity New Yorkers who probably like contemporary art.

They love traditional hetero marriage. They think that the breakdown of the family is responsible for most of society’s ills. But they also hate that this couple decided to stay married to each other despite their problems.

I plan to live-tweet the whole thing, through my own joyous tears

[Pushes alter_ego off a cliff] [nobody blames me]

I cannot think of a fate worse than being lactose intolerant.