Hm, Hillary does need a running mate, doesn’t she?

There should be a “New to Jalopnik? Welcome! Read this first” article we can link to that includes must-knows like this joke.

Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.

First of all: this is the longest post in the history of time.

It just kept going.. For infinity. We are all dead

my scrolling finger just dislocated.

People joined this site for some outside fucking. This data release would just be another form of it. A bonus round, if you will.

or that it was just a rumer?

You are a CAT

These are my cats, btw.

i don’t drink so what am i?

OT: You see “anthropomorphized Twinkies”. I see on and off-label xanax.

MINION TRUTHER!!!

Despicable comment, Minions aren’t cats.

Because, like anything that starts out cute and harmless, companies try to extract every single cent out of the phenomenon, tying things together with every conceivable angle and marketing ploy, thus taking something innocent and fun, and making us hate it.

How do we know the Minion wasn’t the one to push her out in the first place? WAKE UP AMERICA!!!

Don’t invent non-human colored people to prove how not racist you are.

Not that I’m calling the long lost family members bigoted but I find people who mention the color purple (heh) in discussions about race are almost always the type of racist who keeps their bigotry under wraps.

I suppose that by the time you've grown the fuck up you won't be going to clubs anymore, so maybe there's limited value in my writing this. The news: Being nice is helpful wherever you are. Getting the chip off your shoulder is helpful wherever you are. Because everybody in the world has a fucking problem and yours is…

I've been using procedural checklists for household based chores ever since I realized my family members were refusing to help on the basis they didn't know what to do.