I'd pay good money to see a special edition of Drive with Ryan Phillippe replaced by Toonces the Driving Cat.

With everything I've put down here so far, do you really think I'm gonna take you seriously?

I say fuck it; let's just have Idris Elba play everyone from now on. If it's a woman, put Idris Elba in a dress and stick a mop on his head. Is the character a child? Have Idris Elba wear a propeller beanie and kneel on some sneakers. And animal characters? C'mon, don't act like you wouldn't pay good money to see Water…

I see their point. Clearly, the role should've gone to Idris Elba.

There's probably some deeply-buried psychological trauma factoring into it, but I find it easier to skip the introspection and just blame it on the flouride in our drinking water.

Maybe Cruz never auditioned. Or perhaps she did, but lost the role because she didn't have the heart to whale on Stillman's beloved gammy with a rolled-up script. Who knows?

Aha! See, that's why I hedged my bet by also pointing out Ms. Sorvino was and is really, really attractive. If the audition had been her rolling her script into a stiff baton and clobbering Stillman's grandmother with it, she'd have still been in the top three.

The fact that it's Calvin or that he's making a ridiculous "derp" face? Because either way: Thanks!

Forgive me for thinking you were injecting racial/social politics into a review just because it's something the A.V. Club staff does all the time, whether it's pertinent or not. How dare I make such a safe and seemingly airtight assumption?

Are you working under the assumption that native Spanish people are Latino? Because casting a white actor isn't exactly an outrage if they're playing an [ethnically white] Spaniard, and if that suddenly is an issue, then fine; you go and explain the situation to Sean Connery.

Of course not. Philistine, at the worst.

Me: Can I have a new Star Wars movie with its own unique screenplay?

Everyone should have a gun, Sean Yeaton, because we can't trust you to pistol-whip your own mouth shut any time you start talking stupid hipster shit.

I made my own Orson Welles action figure by gluing a fake beard onto a soccer ball, and sometimes I like to play pretend that it's arguing with me over grammar while I try to tape a commercial for frozen peas.

I don't endorse or approve of the witch hunts my ancestors once engaged in, but after seeing the "I Like Boys" locker-room number from this movie, I can see what they were trying to prevent.

God Harder, maybe?

If there was ever a perfect time to reuse the subtitle "Electric Boogaloo," I'd say it's now.

O_o

Kindergarten Cop 2: It's a Tumor

Do you expend any wit at all when you respond to people, or do you just let your brain shit wherever it wants?