When I was sixteen I got “grounded” and couldn’t leave the house for a weekend for something, my parents thinking I would miss being able to exercise my driver’s license. I went to the basement and watched the entire Extended Editions of Lord of the Rings and played video games and my girlfriend even came over. I…

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ this is Splinter. Gotta be super edgy 110% 25/8, which doesn’t always help things. People love to argue Coke vs Pepsi until the choice is between cola or tomato juice. 

This is straight out of Putin’s playbook. I wouldn’t put it past alt-right troll havens OR foreign national shit-stirrers. The game is get everyone pissed off and yelling at each other so they are divided when should be united and working together.

While we’re at it if you want a true DRIVER’S CAR they should put the driver’s seat in the MIDDLE.

The best way to make an apple pie is to make a pecan pie instead.

The cheese dip we have at every thanksgiving. The trick is to mix a block of velveeta with a couple cans of Campbell’s nacho cheese (I’m honestly not sure if it counts as a soup or a dip or what), a decent restaurant-style salsa and hot italian sausage. Easiest in a crock pot. Mix in milk from time to time to thin. It…

“I think that ‘fill the giant floats in the holiday parade with helium instead of poison laughing gas’ is a little too strict for living in Gotham City.”

Cool so do we just get to pick a fast food item and snack isle item and smash them together? Great. How about:

I just made the switch. It’s much better. I had a grandfathered $7.99 Play subscription, but I think its worth the extra couple, even with losing YouTube Red and Music. Of course now I am splitting with my wife on a family plan, which has a lot of neat perks.

Woah woah woah. I can’t take you seriously when the first words out the gate are bashing the tried-and-true technique of shopping hungry. Sure that box of ranch-flavored Wheat Thins feels impulsive at the time but Midnight Two Days From Now You will thank you! 

This happened to me yesterday. Wife is in the seat directly behind mine (both middle). Talking to her as we get settled in the guy next to me in the aisle seat says “would you like to sit together?”. I said “yeah actually we’d appreciate that. Thought no one would go for it since it’s the middle seat.” and then he…

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

Is your Unified Theory derived from using Cold Ones or would Lukewarm Ones suffice?

Could you also get a phone number, date of birth, and mother's maiden name? 

I think the Salty Barista is Claire Lower.

I need to get in a fantasy league that rewards teams for tanking. Obviously the Dolphins are doing this on purpose and hence they are in first place right now, but the Jets and the Jaguars are giving them a run for their money by being, well, the Jets and the Jaguars. The Raiders are only as low as they are because…

I bet some time in the 4th quarter he Falks it up.

I’m getting pretty sick of the characterization of millenials as this weak generation that you can just smack around in the stands of the colliseum as if people born in the 970s or the 980s were SO much tougher. Pretty sure Rome get sacked by Visigoths YEARS before millenials were even born and let's be honest there…

To be fair it sounds like one of them got hurt, possibly with a wounded knee. 

I think it's you with the comprehension issues.