JFC this is so embarrassing but, to paraphrase Carrie Fisher, if my life wasn’t funny it would just be true and that’s unacceptable.

Let the record state that I also once tried to make challah french toast, the prince of all french toasts, using bacon grease, and it turned out to be the worst french toast I’ve ever made in my entire life. Burned and just tasted bad. I’ve decided it was a judgement from G-d for my half-Jewish hubris.

Oh my god, I used to have a coworker who was a really nice lady, but not the smartest. She had been getting sick regularly and throwing up and was going in for all sorts of testing, but nothing is turning up positive for anything.

I wish (or rather, do not wish given the subject matter) that this was my story. Rather, this is the story about how I taught a co-worker an invaluable cooking lesson.

Mine is easy to summarize: under-cooked pan-fried scallops. I barely even remember them, but I consider it my most disastrous fail because they scarred my husband so deeply, so irremediably that he can no longer eat scallops.

I don’t get what people find so inexplicable about Corey Booker and Rosario Dawson. They’re both attractive and successful in their respective fields. He’s very smart and, while I don’t know much about Dawson, she seems to have a good head on her shoulders, too. They seem to have good chemistry and they share the same…

“They’re just getting their periods, they’re just getting comfortable with making eye contact with a boy, let alone having any conversations,” one mother said.

I would just like to be “that person” and point out he got her number from her carry on bag, not checked bag.

wait wait wait THIS WASN’T THE FIRST TIME HE’S DONE SOMETHING LIKE THIS. THEN WHY IS HE STILL WORKING THERE???

Where’s the sex? The word “sex” implies consent from both parties, and children are legally incapable of consenting to sex.

I’m actually starting to wonder if the Republicans are running a child trafficking ring out of the basement of some other pizza joint in D.C.

Oh FFS. It’s the previous verse(or thereabouts) in the song that was being referenced.

Well, if Meghan wants to sleep with common people, people like me; I’ll be happy to help her out.

When I was a teenager (1990s) you had to get one every year if you wanted to get the pill. Now i’m not on birth control, in my 40's and they say I have to get one every three years.

It’s a Nikki Miraj.

I was diagnosed with mets dec 31st last week, after eight years cancer free. I know I should feel sorry for her, but I’m just scared for myself

O'Doyle Rules!

Raddix sounds like an off brand flea collar.

Not sure if this is what you’re looking for, but:

THIS THIS THIS! Maybe prohibition doesn't work. But maybe our cultural relationship with alcohol (and alcohol marketing) doesn't work either.  You'd be amazed how downright *offended* people get when you tell them that you have quit drinking, but you are not necessarily an alcoholic. Our society wants you to hit rock…