YOU TAKE BACK THOSE EVIL WORDS.

We did a variation called the bouquet dance, where we invited all couples onto the dance floor and had the bandleader call out years — anyone together less than 1 year leave the dancefloor, less than 5 years leave the floor, etc. and on and on. In the end, we gave the bouquet to the couple that had been together the…

God - at a wedding last year, my friend who was like, TWO WEEKS divorced got shoved in there and ended up catching the bouquet. She sat and cried outside afterward. I mean, jeez, a newly divorced 35-year-old has to stand in a crowd of the teenaged cousins? Fuck that.

Seconding activities. The best gift I ever got my mom was a tamale making class for the two of us. Now we spend the weekends leading up to Christmas making tamales together, and tamales are their own reward.

Am I the only one who hates when people ask "am I the only one" knowing full well that there are 7 billion people in the world and that no matter the context they are never the only one to do anything?

Are you my mom perhaps? Cuz that’s some next level martyr shit right there. I do get what you mean. I do. It’s hard to be a single parent and provide in all the ways kids need it. But there is a difference between being drained and trying to actively balance everything that needs done and take care of your mental…

When you find yourself asking, “Should I do this nice thing for my pregnant wife?” the answer is always yes. I’ve been there (two kids) and I’ve made the mistake of answering my own, similar questions, with, “nah”. DO NOT MAKE THIS MISTAKE.

Best thing my birth thing ever did was to abandon me at a year old. Sure, if I hadn’t annoyed the neighbors with my crying I could have died since she never came back and locked the deadbolt behind her...

man... women be shopping.

I did my internship at a state-run forensic hospital (felons who were considered insane but were guilty of their crimes). Please understand that there are people who are just awful - not mentally imbalanced, not burdened with a mental disease - just 100% shitty.

Amy Schumer is in no way fat. She’s slightly thicker than the typically woman you see on TV, but she’s not a big girl. And how many dudes do hear saying they would bang Lena Dunham?

Amy Schumer is a gorgeous gal in her 20s and is a size six and you’re here comparing her to mid-40s, balding, beer-gutted Louis CK? Jesus CHRIST.

You get -100 points for claiming that Amy Schumer and Louis CK are somewhere on the same spectrum of body types.

*threw

Oh yeah I’m forever seeing guys go on about how they’d be all over Lena Dunham’s junk. Sure.

It isn’t. And it won’t. We’ve been accepting schlubby men in sitcoms and in some instances even holding them up as sex symbols for years. The wife is always hot. She’s expected to be hot.

"Well, I didn't die!" is generally a poor basis for social policy.

“I don’t see color! What is color? People are different races? What?” Jesus.

Don’t worry girl, these are just metaphors... for your face. LMAO

I REGRET MISSING MY FATHER’S FUNERAL TO AUDITION FOR THE VOICE