I would look at the raucous home opener that St. Louis has been putting on for decades before writing shit like this...

Pay them.

I feel bad about continuing to use my older washing machine and dryer because they suck up energy and water like Amy Poehler in a California drought.

If only they understood the goal of playing well in October, too.

That’s ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

Is this whole “Jezebel takes over Deadspin” thing a purposely sexist experiment for April Fools? Like, lets get a bunch of women who seemingly know nothing about sports and highlight the fact they can’t play or don’t know anything about sports? I hope it’s purposeful...

You’re way off. Tom Hardy, for sure.

Report: Domestic Abuse Charges Against Professional Athlete X Dropped, Continues Living Awesome Life Without Consequence

This is really amazing. This is essentially how souped-up car racing started, by moonshiners wanting to outrun the police.

Wait, you consider Deadspin and its spinoffs to be journalism? I love you guys...but...no.

Did we ask for this?

Why is that middle-America gets so much shit? Look at these people.

This is the most exciting update from the Red’s organization in like 4 years. Jesus that club sucks.

I can’t wait for the $184 million Jason Heyward to perform like the 2014 Jason Heyward. It’s going to be fun.

The hypocrisy of state’s rights Tea Partiers telling cities what they can or cannot do...fuck every single one of them.

The NFL’s QB crisis is going to kill the league.

Tullamore Dew is the tastiest of all sipping alcohols. Seriously. It’s wonderful.

Jesus fucking Christ. Can you imagine being an aid on a fucked campaign, having no idea what job you’ll have in 3 months, all while having to shag balls for your candidate in a school gym?

Ah, the old “drunk girlfriend tries to hold back drunk boyfriend.” It should be cemented in the blurry cellphone footage HOF.

If the NBA had like 10x more of this, I’d totally watch it.