Ah, you’re right. I was mistranslating them. It clearly says “And low, hair upon the head of Jason Statham shall malign his diving performance”:

“M’sieur Tranporteur, what did he say? About transporting me to Newark?”

Hey, it’s only a colon off from being properly terrible! Also, more stylised spelling:

Perhaps they hit the mute button on their TVs.

Heh:

Great. Holden Ford dies again.

It was meh.

Jason Statham with hair is one of the signs of the End Times.

It’s like someone gave several million dollars of production money to fan fiction authors. Not Star Trek FF authors, but.

It’s honestly hard to tell. I mean, if someone told you Brian had been out in full plate in the Middle East slaughtering Turks with a long sword, you’d at least stop to google that.

Dude’s done more than acting. He’s climbed mountains, up to and including Everest - on one occasion because he saw a climber stranded in the Death Zone and instead chose to carry down Mount Fucking Everest to save the climber’s life.

“Hello, Brian-”

If it was supposed to be pronounced “kwee bye” then...

Brian doesn’t think much of him:

Um. No.

You’re right, it’ll probably be improved.

“ELON DOESN’T DO ADVERTISING!!!” Say Fragrant Neckbeard Doing Advertising For Elon.

Man, RIP Clarkey. You crazy-arse sheepshagger.

I fucking lose it at the Triple J presenters.

Yet another one of those movies that is fucking awesome yet got panned worse than a late-period Shyamalan film. Fucking hilarious, yet the critics laid into it like nothing else.