Hey, he still makes guest appearances on Comedy Bang Bang

I'm poor; how the fuck should I know?

I don't mean to speak out of school here, but the president's a dumb guy

Pfff, I barely have a sense of self.

Yeah, I know some people who signed up for that Mars colony thing a few years ago. They aren't geniuses.

Lots of roads do both. For example, sometimes a road'll go up and around a mountain. Sometimes that same road'll go underwater in a tunnel. I think both are pretty cool.

If I know anything about goose aggression, the dude who shot that arrow is already dead.

Whoa, $4? That's like the handling fee here for if you want to print your own tickets ahead of time.

From the generation that brought you: flipping a water bottle so it lands right side up on a table, then filming it to share online for acclaim.

"Hey, Horse, why the long fa—"
"FUCK you"

Bush and Clinton, too. They're all Muslim!

This reminds me of that time Obama put hidden Muslim messages in the drapes behind his podium in the East Room, according to that email my nana sent me.

Rory Scovel is a fine comedian who deserves credit for his role as Richard, the piano player who lives inside the Chipotle burrito.

One may not be a statistic, but at least it's a tragedy.

Ten bucks says at least one of the guys passing this law will have their career ended by it.

Anyone else just relieved that their nana wasn't in this?

Easier than being Catholic

OK, OK — maybe I don't care.

I care! It just doesn't matter that I care.

Hey, can we not give the alt-right "nihilism"? I like nihilism.