I’m sure you’re masturbating furiously at the thought; you’ve made it abundantly clear in the past that you’re an unrepentant asshole who gleefully enjoys the suffering of others. But believe it or not, it isn’t a simple task to replace an entire newsroom full of writers that people know and like.

I dunno! A good interrogator or interviewer would take advantage of his feelings of being snubbed, emphasize and remind him of all the times other people got praise that “should have been his,” and make him say to himself, “Hey wait—why am I telling myself I deserve this, or getting angry at Lewandowski or anyone…

There are plenty of opportunities out there if she could just come out of her shell.

I know a guy! He might break her legs if she misses a payment, but at least he’s transparent about it. And I hear he has something of a weakness for homemade snickerdoodles.

Ah, Maureen! I worked with her in Irony Validation and Compliance. I’m surprised to hear she didn’t take that analyst position in Applied Pedantics!

We need a more balanced model. As it stands, shareholders are the only party whose interests are considered or represented. If a move benefits the shareholders, it doesn’t matter what effect it has on the employees, the health of the company, or the well-being of customers (which REALLY matters in an industry like…

Many Republicans suffer terrible debilities in this primitive moment: They are creatures of reason. They respect procedure and tradition.

My take: Jackson was being pushy and egging her on to report it, she wanted her to let it go.

“Tell me more about this hole in your sock. Does it golf? How does it feel about the coloreds, the dykes and the Jews?” —Trump, eyeing the vacant CIA directorship thoughtfully while slurping KFC gravy through a silly straw

The cake is a lie.

I mean, it’s kind of hard to compare because of their different flavors of awful. Which horseman is worse, famine or pestilence?

Listen, consider this our olive branch to you all. We want you on our team. We might even need you on our team. Do realize though that this is our team.

Which is hilarious because mustard is the default here in Texas. There are people who will slap you for putting mayo on their burger.

White chocolate is the only kind of chocolate I like. I’m not sure if I’m sorry or not.

*Squints like it’s a Magic Eye book*

“While we understand the concerns of the public, but we simply feel it is inappropriate to initiate impeachment proceedings in the middle of a major military conflict. At a time like this, we should all be rallying around the Commander in Chief as he commands our brave troops in their efforts to reclaim control of…

Sessions is reading right out of the Jim Crow playbook. Until Gideon vs Wainwright in 1963, the Supreme court had only affirmed that the state must provide counsel to those who could not afford an attorney if it was a death penalty case. Poor black defendants under Jim Crow were systematically railroaded using this…

And the kid in me loves the frosting!

Man, they’re really jumping on right at the tail end of that trend, aren’t they? I thought open offices were starting to fall out of fashion because enough people have had time to find out how much they hate them.