It’ll be Ansel Elgort. He’s perfect:

* white
* boring face
* younger than her so she can boss him around
* he wants to be more famous

She will date a furry, obvs. Cat love. Or maybe a guy in a pterodactyl suit?

... why would you bring a knife into the bathroom just because? Was he planning to, perhaps, julienne some carrots while he was in there? Mince some onions? Cut some tile he was planning to lay?

This “agent” is no Hansel. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He knows, like we all do, there will be no legit modeling career here; what he’s doing is keeping Jeremy’s name name in the news so when he gets out, he and his client can get as big a payday for his escorting career as possible. I guarantee you that every…

DING DING we have a winner! Everything about this “interview” screams “WHY WOULDN’T SHE FUCK ME, WHYYYYY?! WAAAAHHHHH!”

PartyNextDoor?

“Hop in the back, Shia! I’ve got nonstop Even Stevens reruns playing on the screen. No, there is no escape.”

Perfect, I’ve got some holes that need digging.

There’s something interesting —and interesting, in a morbid way— about reading these statements. Because beyond the wretchedness of victim-blaming, notice how Holtzclaw can’t stick to a narrative about his own actions? He can’t seem to say something as simple as “I was on the other side of town,” or “I did a search,…

He doesn’t even look like himself though which is super funny. Funny because he is the MOST nondescript of all Scottish men who ever became famous. He used to look like very other peely-wally guy walking home from a desk job to Leith.

I’ve got 2 dogs and a white van to tempt him. Reverse steal!

I hate myself for feeling this way but I am really even more attracted to Andy Samberg when he’s dressed up as a douchey pop star.

Also a well-known cat stealer.

beard is better.

So i was looking for some appropriate Legolas quote gif for this whole OrlSelPer drama. I failed in that reguard. However, I found something even better, Stephen Colbert as Legolas. I knew you good folks would approve.

Creed would pray before and after.

All I know about her is that my dad cries when she appears on a Humane Society commercial (‘cos dogs ‘n’ cats an’ shit, not ‘cos’a her). But I pity her for Ryan Sweeting. His game was awful and he looks like what a precocious, but especially dim cocker spaniel might if it was turned human.

Gawd, I feel so sorry for her, that fella whose spawn she has borne is such a creep. He has that slurry way of talking that makes him sound like he has alcohol induced brain damage. He should not be procreating.

Simon Van Kempen was more sad and desperate to a point where he became deeply uncomfortable to watch. Their desperate social climbing was always ridiculously awkward.

True - he never seemed much worse that a workaholic or just clueless at times, but his wife would so totally overreact over the slightest things. I thought he was actually kind of funny and sweet and had a sense of humor about himself. (as opposed to The Creator of Musical Masterpieces David Foster who had a hell of…