DO NOT TOUCH THE PLATES OF THE FERD-MAN.

This phenomenon is the actual foundation of Chili’s business model.

I want to grab someone’s omelet and eat it like a taco. But I don’t, because I am civilized

I never got that, but I was offered drugs in lieu of payment a couple times.

The only thing I can come up with is the Mint Julep. I can take care of preserving that one.

Reminds me quite a bit of Purity Ring, which is pretty rad.

Chill, motherfucker.

Equally douchey.

they can either spare his life and deliver him to a fish farm

I imagine it more in the vein of “haha, look at these silly Americans, afraid of a couple blackbirds! In local news, fourteen people were killed by a rabid koala earlier today...”

You’re a brave man for trying these substances in the name of journalism.

Tomorrow I’m sure they will have some fuckwit from the NRA blathering about how “if the pastor was armed this never would have happened” and “the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun”.

I hope these tips work on kitchens too, because our outflow pipe from the upstairs toilet appears to have sprung a leak. JOY.

Yeah! We ain’t need no fancy frenchy marks on our letters! What’s next? Proper Capitalization? COMMUNISM?!?

I love the commentary. “Turns out to be a brilliant play by Souza...” Er, no. Just a clown show.

Appears to be the delicacy known as Barf Salad.

Easy. Narcissism.

Apparently there’s a valve in your stomach that influences how quickly booze makes it into your digestive tract, and it tends to open up once you’re relaxing. So it’s not uncommon for people to get into their cars, relax because they think they’re good to drive, and their BAC shoots up from the last drink they…

Can’t wait for Roger Goodell’s press conference.

Or tonic! An off-dry wine and quality tonic water get along so crazy well.