If California seceded, we’d have the other 49 states at our absolute beck-and-call, because WE HAVE THE AVOCADOES.

perfect example of “you’re special kind of helpless” - Cruz survives on cans of soup.

That’s a good dog.

Thank goodness for the ones that let us know. At least we can stay away from them.

It’s ... sort of pathetic, actually. I mean, if you can’t even make yourself a sandwich, you’re a special kind of helpless....

“Women have very little idea of how much men hate them”

The problem with saying “organize your people” is that clearly, my people are idiots and don’t want to consider anyone else’s point of view.

Like, do you think they realize the irony of lecturing America about respecting Vice Presidents at a musical about a VP MURDERING SOMEONE?

God, I wish I had gone through it slowly. I burned through the whole show on Wednesday after the election and ignored the world.

Is that you, Prince Edward?

Oh, are we throwing press conferences now every time we are a big ol’ bag of dicks? In that case, presser at my house at 4:30, I need to announce that I ate my husband’s Thai leftovers without permission.

“It is not enough for you to be out of my house. I insist you also be miserable.”

I got the book and the DVD as a Christmas (or was it a birthday?) present one year. I know empirically that The Secret is bullshit, because that is most definitely not what I wanted.

True. Though plenty male actors do it to themselves to please the director, or audience, or whatever. Heath Ledger comes to mind.

Cannot wait for Cuomo to hold a press conference in the exact same location, tomorrow, saying that Tiffany and Gucci are very much his concern.

Uh, Han Solo Harrison Ford pretty much awoke my sexuality. WOULD DO YES INDEED YES.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo she was a 19 year old drug addict and he was 34 and married. No wonder Carrie Fisher always finds ways to emphasize that Harrison Ford is a douche biscuit.

I lost my appetite three years ago, when I saved a bunch of these to Pinterest in a blind rage (which is how I was able to find them again). Your curses will simply plummet into the bottomless chasm where my soul used to be.

Lime jello with cottage cheese is actually surprisingly good. Mennonites still eat it (and lots of other jello molds) often.

This is not true at all, actually. I’ve dealt with plenty, from pain and despair and heartache to medical problems (for myself and my wife) to death and disappointment and all sorts of rejection, both personal and societal, which has led to lots of depression (including some of that suicidal) and some substance abuse…