don’t play a friggin drum for a friggin baby

When I was a kid we had “balled” Xmas trees which means the roots were left intact and you could replant it after Christmas. At one time we had 3-5 different former Christmas trees around our yard. It was kind of cool.

Pro Tip: If a wife or a girlfriend asks for something practical like towels or a thermostat for Christmas, you get it for her but fill out the gift tag as if the gift is to the entire household and from Santa. It’s all theater of course, but you get credit for listening to her and getting her a nice gift and you don’t…

No I’ve bought my tree there. But it was a bad tree. When you buy precut ones, you gamble with a tree that may die soon.

Same, but for watching pre-Christmas bowl games instead of reading.

This is a great physics lesson. Dude hits Cousins, slows down, momentum gets transferred to Cousins, he starte accelerating. Cousins transfers momentum to cheerleader, he slows down, cheerleader starts accelerating.

If you having girl tripping problems I understand son, cuz 99 just late hit me straight into one.

It also sounds he wanted to have a negative hot take, but didn’t actually have any substance to base that negative hot take on, so he used big words and absurdly complex sentences to try to distract readers into thinking he was saying something really smart.

I’m getting my PhD in a STEM field, but I was an English major in college. If I’d tried to use that kind of language in a comp lit essay, I would’ve been given an F and told to rewrite. My professors were always adamant that if you can’t state it simply, you’re not trying hard enough. (One would gives us huge topics…

This sentence sounds like it was written by a man who wants us to be impressed because he knows a bunch of big words...

I keep thinking back to my high school English teacher. If I had turned that in as a sentence in an essay, he would have handed it back to me and said “You like to show off? How about you diagram this sentence for the class.”

The director of “Rogue One,” Gareth Edwards, has stepped into a mythopoetic stew so half-baked and overcooked, a morass of pre-instantly overanalyzed implications of such shuddering impact to the series’ fundamentalists, that he lumbers through, seemingly stunned or constrained or cautious to the vanishing point of…

540 calories and 32 grams of Fat and Sugar. And enough saturated fat to kill a moose. Healthy food my ass.

What kind of monster puts gravel at #3?

Sweet fucking jesus, have you read the nutrition facts on that shit? A serving (a whopping QUARTER CUP) is 135 calories. No adult human eats less than a cup of cereal in a serving, making this shit 540 god damn calories for a bowl. A big mac is 550 calories. A cup of lucky fucking charms is 142 calories.

*LIST ONLY VALID IF YOU EAT CEREAL FOR INCONTINENCE

This is just awful and wrong.

TIM MARCHMAN DOES NOT SPEAK FOR THE REST OF THE DEADSPIN STAFF.

WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU