Years ago, I lived in Bermuda & the late pm flight from JFK to Bda was always overbooked. It was amazing, b/c everyone knew they were always overbooked & would wait for the bidding to start. Everyone knew that nobody would move until it hit like $250 (like I said, years ago), and then everyone would pounce, b/c that…

Ah, those carnies.

To be fair, nobody wants to have to explain why the overachiever shouldn’t be making a quarter of what your mediocre ass does.

Westerners drawing up borders worked so well everywhere else! India/Pakistan, any number of places in Africa... What could go wrong?!

It’s metastasized to their brain stems.

“Joe, you’re not supposed to read the ellipsis out loud.”

That’s terrible! Nobody should have chimps or orangs as pets! Especially not dressed up like a human. That’s fucked up & the opposite of conservationism.

In polarized times like these, it’s with a heavy heart that I realize I fit in nowhere, as a person who uses fresh when possible, and powder in certain situations. Can’t we all come together & respect each other’s garlic usage?!

Ooh, yes, garlic powder is essential on my roast chicken. Whatever goes on it needs to be dry enough that the skin will still crisp up!

I was a committed Garfield fan, but never saw the show (I was a military brat, so maybe AFN didn’t line up the rights to it?). I was like weirdly into Garfield. I seriously wanted to grow up & marry Garfield. And I wasn’t a dumb kindergartener, either. I was in like 5th grade! I knew better! I understood he was a…

Heathcliff:Garfield as Family Circus:Hagar the Horrible. All pretty terrible comics, but lord, I’ll take Garfield & Hagar over Heathcliff & Family Circus any day.

It’s a profile tied to her upcoming movie, which is “a campy horror flick about a bisexual hedge-fund CEO who kills men for fun and sport.

her floor-to-ceiling shoe shelves display Louboutin red-bottom soles next to $150 heels from Schutz.

I have never been successful making mayo with any kind of electric appliance. Hand-beat, all the way for me!

It would be more accurate if labelled ‘profit/contingency’, as any unanticipated extras (rent hikes, equipment breakage, a dropped pizza) all come out of the ‘profit’ category. And really, I would imagine 90% of that category really goes to contingency.

For the most part, my HS teachers & administrators were great, but man, I would have shouted out our Vice Principal. I think that guy was an honest-to-god psycho. He loved lording his position over everyone & I think he was pissed he didn’t get the principal’s job when one left (they brought someone outside in). On…

The Wizard Oz, not the HBO Oz.

Years ago, shortly before fb came out, I had started hanging out again with my HS archenemy b/c a mutual friend had sworn she had changed. I thought ‘sure, we’ve all got to grow up, right? I’m sure she doesn’t still get off on her passive-aggressive, petty, manipulative bullshit.’ How wrong I was! She was exactly the…

Also, it’s J-Law, so she can probably literally just say “That dress” & it will magically fit.

Don’t you know this is the Golden Age of Hyperbole?! How could you not know that?! THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER!!!