Baseball, itself, is marvelous.

Only thing sadder and funnier in baseball than an Ump Show is watching Cardinals fans line up with the worst takes in sports. Getcher popcorn.

We’re all stars now, in the ump show

I once put out a poetry chapbook called “This Is My Inside Voice” because as a performer, one of my few tools is that I can project.

Sometimes the obvious pick is also the right one:

Man, the entire world caught onto the bullshit of the word “disrupt” like a femto-second after it was coined but cynical dipshits like Barstool will definitely still trot it out unironically for the rubes, won’t they?

He just needs to tell Philly fans that he’s pissing off players on purpose so they’ll be the worst team in baseball for, like, six years straight so that by year 11 in his plan, all those high draft picks graduating to the bigs will make the team really good.

I hoped you would appreciate the surreal genius of “Porcupine Racetrack” and I was not let down.

I hoped you would appreciate the surreal genius of “Porcupine Racetrack” and I was not let down.

Someone told him that the GOP is a bad joke now and, God bless the idiot, he took that literally.

A lot of these cults, even Scientology, on their surface level, in their introductory course, preach relatively harmless common-sense positivity drivel that probably DOES make a person feel a bit better for a little while, especially if you’re a socially and emotionally isolated entertainer with underlying self-worth…

Heckling trailers is an art form. The moment when we are transitioning from the trailers to the actual feature is when one should shut the fuck up.

There is “giving you a little flavour” and there is “cornball asshole doing the announcer version of an ump show”.

Fascist assholes give up their general right to respect by being fascist assholes.

Somehow the corniest hackiest cheesiest most 1875 middle-America horseshit radio gimmickry that would’ve been laughed outta Kansas City or St. Louis in 1983 lives on in Sterling’s home run calls in New York fuckin’ City in 2018.

The picture you chose for this ass hat was perfect, lookin’ like he’s tryin’ out for FOX NEWS KIDS with that shitty semi-beard and that “I’m classy but I’m also cool, right?” partial formal wear.

So they’re essentially bitcoins that are slightly more useful than bitcoins in that you can kind of sort of a little bit do something with them. Other than that, they’re just another swapping-of-overhyped-empty-bits to fool some rubes until the market crashes.

Much as I love the Mets, running out has-beens and never-were-gonna-bes at first, second and catcher doesn’t do a lot for their chances. There’s only so much you can do to paper over a collection of holes that big, y’know?

Patriotic of the dude to go for the paycheck that’s above-board and hence taxable. Maybe Syracuse can waive my remaining student loans as they don’t gotta pay this kid now.

There are many stupid things in the world that cause active harm in the world, that are cruel, that are hurtful, that are greedy, that are destructive. They are all worse than meaninglessly stupid things.