You... They... They can't...

No, no, no. You use the phrase "M&Ms plant", not Factory... Then I say "Ohh, so the honey's coming from the flower of the M&Ms plant, that makes sense, can I get one of those for my yard?"

Beautifully done

What I want is a way to take off all the medical patches of adhesive stuff after four or five days with an IV. I've had to do it twice, and both times resulted in, for lack of a better term, chemical burns so bad they scarred a bit.

When I have plane crash nightmares, there's always at least one pot of coffee around.

28. I really don't want to talk about it.

Not a typo, or at least it should be qualified with "don't have to give you a lawyer right away". My favorite piece of lawyery information EVER?

Hearted for truth.

Giuliana Rancic is an Italian-American celebrity news personality. She is an anchor on E! News, the E! Network's flagship entertainment news program. Wikipedia for the win :)

Oh! My husband has that, the dark crescents under his eyes, dark eyelids, nipples, and, uh, other bits of tender flesh. I've been pulled aside a few times and asked if he's getting enough sleep and have to keep telling people that it's just part of him.

Thank you, I couldn't figure out what the heck he meant about things disappearing... in Roanoke, VIRGINIA...

"Wait, why is Lauren Conrad a person we talk about AGAIN?"

"or to try out a tattoo idea before getting permanently inked."

Yeah, not everyone does it *delicious*.

This, so many times this. I was never fat, but when my boobs came in, Mom made me so self conscious and made me wear big shirts which made everyone think I was fat. When I got done with puberty, if I looked at myself in the mirror naked, I had no tummy but wiiiiide shoulders, the kind the era of shoulderpads would've…

Same deal here, and for the same reasons. It also helps if you need to leave your pet and call to check on them, "ohh, Kitty Funone? She's doing well, but Puppy Funone is wearing our assistant out!" If they said "Kitty Someoneelse?" you have the opportunity to stop them before they tell you about somebody else's pet...

But, see, this is exactly the sort of behavior I EXPECT from Green Day. Don't apologize for saying what your fans think, that's inauthentic.

Since you didn't read the end of the piece: "all any of these preachers had to do to keep themselves out of central lockup was turn off the megaphone (the real source of the city's frustration with these public decries)" followed by a bit about how they were BLOCKING TRAFFIC.

He'd have to kill a man for it to count, with the value we give women these days.

Harris Teeter sold them when Absinthe became more-legal in the States - I grabbed two boxes because I had no idea how many you went through making a drink, then I found out Absinthe tastes like licorice and now I have unopened two boxes of sugar cubes in my pantry.