We had been on a date and a half (the half date was he had asked for a ride home from something else, and then asked if we could just go to my place to watch a movie. I was too spineless to say no). He left shortly after to go to school out of state, and called me to tell me he had "received revelation" that we were…

We had an horrid relationship, the last 2 years where whiteout sex We had already broken up, I came to my apartment to find him inside it, lucky me the guy I was having sex with was waiting for me at a part several blocks away, Called my best friend because I wasn't going to be alone with my psycho ex...

I was…

Please do not Google Image that shit either, I cannot be responsible for your therapy bills

Breville one touch tea maker!

Breville one touch tea maker!

I'm a meat eater, and super offended by what they did to you. Next time you go over to their house I recommend slicing open a Durian fruit and leaving it somewhere hard to find. HAHA, YOU MACHO MURICANS GET GASSED BY A PLANT!

I love it when people compare the rights of human beings to those of animals and think it doesn't make them look completely fucking ridiculous.

lol what even is this

I am a vegetarian. I don't bother mentioning it to most people, and I don't get preachy or soap-boxy about it. It's just a personal choice. I do know really preachy vegans though, and they get on my nerves. I also know stalwart meat-eaters, and they get on my nerves.

women. not females.

I worked in doctors office. I collected the paper that held the diagnoses for you after you saw the doctor as well as your co-pay. When I told a guy his copay was 10 dollars, he gave me a "bill" and told me to keep the change and basically bolted out.

That was nice and all, but none of them have yet matched the sheer perfection of Emma Stone's lip sync battling. They should do a tournament of champions with Stephen Merchant, Emma Stone, etc. and go nuts.

So she's nine now?

Also, from time to time I will be contributing counterpoint essays to the Team Cat Headquarters blog. They have assured me I will have editorial control in all of my pieces. I assure you if this is not the case, I will resign my tenure as contributor.

gifs aside, here, this is evidence to the 'um it's about class now, not race' people.

While at the bar in the front room of the Tribeca Tavern, I noticed Mario Batali talking with a small group. As I rejoined my friends in the back room, I mentioned this sighting to my foodie friend.

Oh, I've got another! One time, I heard Bill Clinton would be up in San Francisco signing his memoir and even though it was hours away and would be a whole thing, goddamnit, I wanted my book signed by Bill Clinton.

It's not insane per se but it was the coolest thing ever! I've been chronically ill since 4. Loads of kidney problems, autoimmune disorders, etc. A lot of pain. A lot of sleepless nights. That's how I got into old movies. If you're in pain & awake at 4am TCM is the only thing on. I LOVE old movies. I pray to Bogart &…

My ring is made out of organically-grown, free-range lentils and the artisans who made it actually paid me to take it off their hands.

The engagement ended. What did you do with the ring?