...Marry me?

If the iPad is truly a hazard to the flight, and other passengers on board... Okay. I know that the FFA has taken that stance, even though I don't agree with it (As one of the numerous assholes that turns her phone to silent instead of to "off" when in flight. Regularly.) Couldn't she just use a notepad and paper?

Playtex tampons all the way- THE FLOWER! IT WORKS! Pearls feel... Different? Like I competently know they are there?

LORD. This young woman is not only talented, friendly, witty, and (from her interviews) kind, she is downright BEAUTIFUL. Hair and all. She could be bald and I would still be in love with her smile. Wheaties needs to sign her for their next cereal box STAT. Hair, talent, personality, and ALL.

Am I the only person with a partner that helps me remember? I have a phone alarm set for 10PM every night, but when I get a super case of the lazies and just turn it off, he is always right there with a pill and a glass of water. Contraception is a two way street ladies and gentleman. I think he worries about my…

My grandfather (And hero) passed by suicide. People said a TON of stupid, insensitive shit (Mostly my own family.) But one was kind of perfect for me, and helped me let go of a lot of my anger. He told me, "You can't judge a life by the last ten minutes." Just some good ole country boy, who was a firefighter with…

...Wouldn't forced abortion be the opposite of choice? I think the pro-choice movement could have a field day with this. THIS is the reason that no government should have anything to do with a uterus. Ever.

I'm sorry, if I walked in on someone MOLESTING MY FUCKING KID, you bet your ass I would do everything in my power to make sure that never happened again. Lethal force included. You can kill someone for breaking into your home (Castle Laws, lethal force if necessary.) Should there be an investigation? You bet your…

Disney was in the right. COMPLETELY. They are protecting their brand, and if some ass clown comes in there dropping F Bombs and acting a fool dressed as Tinkerbell, it WOULD ruin the day for a lot of parents, kids, and the House of Mouse. Not to mention kissing on Peter Pan and all of that.

I'm a 27 year old who looks not a day over 16. I've never not been carded for anything. Ever. And I'm a VP at my company. Which confuses people. Until I own their ass. (They never see it coming.)

Cleaning out my dorm room at the end of freshman year, I go out to use the restroom. Come back in to see mom with my goody box open, eyes as big as saucers, who gleefully shouted, while holding a vibrator, with the door open, "WHAT IS ORGASMIX AND HOW DO I USE IT?"

"You need to learn to properly roast a chicken. One day, your gay is going to leave you, your dog is going to die, and you will be fresh out of batteries. Alone. CHICKEN." Apparently, chicken is man bait. Also, by best friend is "my gay." Thanks, mom.

A party without gay influence? You know that shit was lame anyway.

Graph paper? Really?

I just wear a nicely draped pair of curtains with my $300 shoes. Shoes always fit. Give me all the shoes.

WOAH. A follow up visit to see if the contraception was effective???? That's a double on the copay. Can I schedule the followup visit at the Planned Parenthood Abortionplex? I've been looking at adopting a puppy anyway.

I use the one dose. Which is the shit. Unfortunately, last time, I stuck it in my ass, which not only made me very constipated, but also rendered it ineffective. My doctor explained to me that "Oral" meant "in your mouth" which means my husband has been lying to me all these years (I truly thought it meant in the…

As long as we pretend that last season never happened. Which I do.

Oh hell. God damnit, if you really want to turn me on, all you have to do is take out the trash. Or fix the sink. Or sweep. Without me asking. I just want a Dan Conner.

I'm down 43 lbs thanks to loseit. LOVE.