Salman Alman Ali Allah

Though I don’t put much belief in the paranormal nowadays, I used to swear my childhood home in Cherry Hill, NJ was haunted. The house used to be owned by the Gambino Family (yes, of mafia fame), as were a number of houses in the neighborhood, and there was always strange occurrences happening. The house would always…

Eh, that town has seen better days.

I think you are being too grumpy. First of all this was for charity, and he has a real ceremony earlier in the month. Second of all, I think a farce is made of the ceremony at most Bar Mitzvahs with the giant parties, drunk parents, etc.

(Snaps fingers) "Yes!"

For some very very weird reason, whenever I get into a running training program for a half or full marathon, I experience random bleeding...out of my belly button. It also smells horrible, and I have been to three doctors who have no idea why it is doing that. Doesn’t hurt or anything, but I’ll take my shirt off after…

America has no greater shames in its history than the fact that it’s name graces the horrible products known as the Americano and American cheese. Yes, I’m well aware of slavery and the Native American genocide.

Did dey catch that fawkin mawnstah?

Everyone lives forever until they die.

...while Mark Mulder sulks outside the stadium in the rain.

um, nope.

I should mention this was six weeks ago.

My dad: “If you sat in the 700 level, there’s a good chance you were going to get peed on at some point in the game.”

I bought a Tiger Talkboy on eBay. You know, the one from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. When it arrived I thought, “Great, I just wasted $20 on this.” ... Until the next time I got drunk when my friend and I sat around all night recording us saying “Hi, this is Peter McAllister, the father. I’d like a hotel room…

I’m just amazed Gary Busey was able to get pregnant.

The dude takes pleasure in writing about the violent, yet slightly comical deaths of children. Sounds like a normal chap.

I live in NYC, I’ll give Sunny and Annie’s a try.

The other two?

I like to imagine that people who get their cheesesteaks with whiz vs literally any other kind of cheese are probably the same people that treat their illnesses with prayer and leeches because they are unaware of modern medicine.

Dave Attell described a cheesesteak the best: “It’s a cow that’s been put through a paper shredder and smothered in a bukkake of cheese.”