I mixed up my tools and was like ... that's so wrench?

Perhaps an ATCC, with production vehicles, production engines, etc. Modern safety features (cage, fire suppression, restraints, etc...) and weight penalties for more powerful engines.

Hershey exec logic: If we don't let them taste the other chocolate, they won't know ours is akin to eating wax.

We do it because we can.

He could easily not have known, because as you can imagine, at these kinds of parties you're not always dressed, and I challenge you to distinguish a naked prostitute from any other naked woman.

You can tell the difference between a naked prostitute and a naked woman because the prostitute will sleep with you. BOOM, DOMINQUE. BOOM.

Maybe they need to shift the focus of their marketing to guys and claim that it'll take the wrinkles out of their ball sacs?

Those guys also shouldn't have worn pants with zippers, they were just asking for it.

I honestly don't understand this argument, "I was inebriated so I can't be held responsible".

Batey's attorney said he was "very inebriated" that night and that he "had a blackout,"

Something tells me she worked in defense logistics and liked to brag that she was some of the people she ended up meeting.

If it's early enough in the dating, you could always say, "Yes! Would you like to see mine?"

FERRETS

"Hemorrhoid cream advertisement "before" picture" is now the ONLY way I will refer to Arpaio from now on.

brown as Jesus was

Though not as sophisticated as President Obama's limousine motorcade, Mr. Biden appreciated his travelling accommodations just the same and remained hopeful that the vending machines at the next rest stop still carried his beloved Corn Nuts.

""That's a nice car there, Speaker Boehner. Shame if something happened to it. MWHAHAHAHAHA.

I look forward to next week's column, whatever the subject, to see if you can work that ex and wedding into a third post.