ESPN: This has been a tough decision for us Rick, but you're fired.

If Paul Zimmerman were still capable, one can imagine him walking up to Peter King, punching him in the face, then sipping a nice zinfandel, smoking a cigar, and saying, "THAT'S journalism, you fat fuck."

It's going to be a big distraction. That's the reality. It shouldn't be, but it will be.

I'm more optimistic, but I think 1) he'll get drafted (New England, Seattle, Baltimore...it only takes one), 2) other active players will say "fuck it, if this kid can come out, so can I" and 3) none of it will cause the apocalyptic distractions foretold by these executives.

I know what Deadspin's crew of cretins is thinking, but let me offer a reality check up front before this gets out of hand. It is never funny to make jokes about the University of Michigan.

I dislike Kanye West because he is a middle-class suburbanite pretending he is from the streets. I dislike Cam Newton because he is a smooth, bullshit artist. I fucking love Richard Sherman. He was on an endorphin high after just making a game-saving play that sent his team to the Super Bowl.

Typical NBA. Everyone around is him getting major contact, but the star ends up whining about being hacked while he's travelling.

Eddie Murphy smoked a hookah and he seems to be doing just fine.

Putsch punt

'69 GTO of course.

I refuse to acknowledge any other Duck Dynasty.

Count Rossi's Porsche 917, of course.

Ah, I'll be sure to use the old "building a Cheetah Robot" excuse next time my wife hears that sound coming from the bathroom.