I want to buy your humor detector...

If you invent a currency tomorrow and convince at least one other person to take it in return for goods or services, it’s money.

The Jamestown settlers renamed her “Rebecca.” No, I’m serious—they actually kidnapped a woman and tried to name her “Becky.”

When I was a kid, my best friend’s dad would bring us to car shows. It was fun! There were always tons of classic cars and, though we didn’t know much of anything about cars in general, it was always fun running around and checking out some cool stuff.

I’ve got my shirt before the shirt on, ready and waitin’ til the cabs are here.

The best thing about these boots is that they’ll repair them for free or cheap for as long as you own them. So once you buy them, you’re good for life. Unless you want a different style or something :)

The best thing about these boots is that they’ll repair them for free or cheap for as long as you own them. So once…

Buy popcorn and a drink, act like your hands are super full, and tell the usher you just came out to grab a snack and imply it’d be a hassle to grab your ticket. Then just walk in and find your theater.

lol my apologies, guess our jokes are flying over each others’ heads

#mood

/s means sarcasm.

Yeah, why not go out in the city where you’re a huge sports star and get mobbed by fans and try to have a real connection with a person who likes you for who you are, not for the celebrity or the money or the constant fans walking up for autographs while you try to have a conversation in a coffee shop.

Smiths > getting hit by a double decker bus > Morrissey’s solo work.

But if that airport security incident had resulted in him having a great career, I doubt he would have complained.

From the tone, I’m making a fairly safe assumption it’s Shirley Manson.

Is that really Katy Perry? Where did her soul go?

Funny story, the person in that commercial is actually Italian, not Native American!

Two books? Fuck that, I’d just make a copy.

Fiiiive, gooooollden riiiiinnnggs!!!

That’s a brilliant line about You’re the Worst and Love people.

Trump will never realize that he’s not good enough, he’s not smart enough, and doggone it, no one likes him.