She actually has to have people who aren’t straight-ticket Republicans vote for her, which requires some sense.

I’m going to assume that I don’t agree with the Senator about very much, but at least she seems to be a responsible adult, unlike many of her colleagues.

Why do you do this to me Pinkham? It’s almost an hour until lunch still, and I can’t get this out of my mind.

Oh, no the red is next to the crunchy.

Pinkham’s Law - every fucking time.

Isn’t that where Orange is the New Black is set? Did you basically just describe the season finale?

Shit, I imagined a group of prisoners being led slowly blinking out into the wild wild woods of Connecticut* while a prison warden whispers “you’re free”. Imagine my confusion.

That scarf has a purpose: it’s the “Elegant silk sash designed by Anne Rothschild”!!! My mom was a L’eggs woman in the 70s/80s. My sister and I would put the plastic egg halves under our shirts and pretend they were boobs. I don't know why I felt the need to tell you that.

Fuck. You. So. Hard. (says the man who had bland oatmeal for breakfast and is about to drown in drool)

Maybe when someone has been locked in a basement their whole lives, you shouldn’t be taking Kimmy Schmidt to the sandwich shop first thing.

The wife became very alarmed when she saw dolphin on our menu and proceeded to loudly berate me for serving dolphin. I explained several times that the dolphin on our menu was a different creature than the one she was thinking of, even pointing to a large plastic Mahi we had hanging over the bar.

“Do you make your sandwiches with bread?”

So basically you want them to cook it until it’s tender? amirite?

I was in a Starbucks yesterday and a gaggle of teenage girls, (I feel like gaggle isn’t right for teenage girls. A flock? A murder? A murder.) a murder of teenage girls came in behind me. As I finished my order, the barista (who was a treasure of a human being and recommended a kick-ass fruit sauce for baked brie)…

I’m sure Guy Fieri carries a “Guy Fieri Parking” placard with him wherever he goes.

I want to kill the family that harassed the host. Hosts are meant to be the punching bags of the servers, not the customers.

Don't even think of taking his stapler!

Then, because the erstwhile employee was apparently attempting to prepare an appetizer sampler of petty crimes...

Apparently, my Chinese ass is black, too! :~D