FBI: “FBI Hotline what is your emergency?”

hypocrisy is the oldest and most bi-partisan of hobbies

NHL fans: “We don’t even see color”

How come Chris Rock can do a routine, and everybody finds it hilarious and groundbreaking, and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint?

Assuming he owns 1 share (likely - in their last offering they sold 269k shares to 250k people), he owns .00002%.

They’re going to wish you were talking about the NBA when you scratch their wood floors.

DOM IF I DIDNT MAKE ANTHEM DOWN AT THE TIRE STORE I WOULD BE FIRED THIS IS NO DIFFERENT WE HAVE COLORED CUSTOMERS AND THEY ARE NICE SO NOT A RACE THING

His friends call him Exxon

i’m guessing they’re “spending the money” to staff it but the guy making $7.25/hr in a heated booth isn’t too incentivized to wander around a giant ass parking lot writing down license plate numbers at night in the middle of winter.

And of course the grown man vomiting at a sporting event was wearing a jersey.

Grienke is probably a douche but I do not understand the appeal of a generic autograph to a non-child.

On a barely related note, Trump as Queen Elizabeth is my favorite thing

Texas only gave it to him once.

Do you live in Utah or just really admire Antonio Cromartie?

I don’t assume all. Which is why i said some.

Per a Red Sox spokesperson the banner was removed from that location to make room for an advertisement of the new season of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations.

Gotta respect your elders big fella. You’re talking to a guy with skins on the wall. Dude threw five (5!) TD’s in his last 2 seasons. That’s more than one every fifth game! And only had 9 picks...LESS than one per game. What’s that? No, he didn’t win the Heisman but you aren’t the first to point out that travesty, I…

Macondo oil spill continues to haunt us. Thanks, BP.

They do all of those things. And I paid a 26% effective federal tax rate + property taxes + sales taxes as my way of saying thanks. And i am thankful to live in a country where i dont worry about ending up on Liveleak driving down a questionable freeway.