NBC Penn-cils in New Shows! Rollout of New Sitcoms Will Go On, as Network Shouts "Save Me". Looks Like Next Season Will be a Whole Different Animal…Practice.

Southland Doesn't Go South! Cop Drama Dodges Cop Out, as Fifth Season Blows Away TNT. This Graceful Show Has the Leverage it Needs to Avoid Being a Closer.

Southbound and Not Down! Jody Hill Not Over the Hill as He Hazards Possible Dukes of Hazzard Remake.

Dammit Sean! Stop stepping on my toes!

Best Friends Forever? More Like Best Friends For-never! NBC Finds Freshman Show a Real Lennon, Sweeps it Under the Rug Before May Sweeps, Leaving Fans Off Their Rockers and Bent Out of Shape.

Warner Bros. Jungle Bungle! Studio Hires Hack to Attack Lack of Script for Remake Retake. Kloves Not on Break Until Brain Racked and Script in the Sack.

Fringe No Longer on the Fringe! Fox Drama Still Alive for Season Five, Delaying Fandom Cringe and Cancellation Binge.

Flinstone Remake On the Rocks! McFarlane Reboot Now Far Away, as Stone Age Series is Put on Ice.

Mel Gibson Makes the Cut! Famous Hack Takes a Stab at New Slice of Life by Appearing in Cutting Edge Machete Sequel.

Fringe Fans Split Hairs Over Split Endings! Sci-fi Fox Drama Vice Shoots Twice and Rolls the Dice, Hoping Its Final Fate Will be Nice.

Signs Signal Sad Summer Scheduling for Saucy but Short of Syndication Sitcom! Cougar Town No Longer Prowling ABC Tuesdays, Giving This Local Fan a Case of the Bluesdays.

Terra Nova Now Extinct! Netflix Closes Its Door, Braga Falls on the Floor, as Streaming Service Balks at Dinosaurs. For Terra Nova Fans this News is Not Dino-mite.

Cowabunga? More Like Cowabungle! Michael Bay Continues to Alienate Fans, As Spaced Out Director Takes Rocket Ship to International Hate Station. It Looks Like this TMNT Movie Will Fail to Lift Off.

CBS Refuses to Give Up the Ghost! In an Attempt to Bate Its Primary Fans, CBS Hopes to Avoid Misery By Giving Top Rated Show a New Layer of Sheen. Critics Remain Fried, Calling This Move Complete Schmidt

Michael Bay Becomes Michael Puddle! Fans Send Director Ocean of Hate Over Ninja Turtle Trickle of News Which Fails to Shore Up Fan Interest. This News Pond-it is far from River-ted.

Terra Nova Now Extin-…never mind.

New Yorkers Not Falling for AMC Ad! 9/11 Families Find Ads Drapering Local Buildings Mad, As Network's Sterling Reputation Plummets. Looks Like These Mad Men Need New Ad Men.

Peter Craig Has Muscled His Way Into Being the New Top Gun in Hollywood! Sweaty Volley of Potential Writers Ends With Toned Town Scribe, Promises to Buff Out Script as Old Draft is Ripped.

What typo? I don't see a typo! Maybe your eyes are just…stupid. And wrong. Shut up Chubby Chase!

Netflix Loses Major Star! Brightness of Starz Grows Dimmer as Streaming Service Slows to Trickle. AV Club Urges Members to Party Down While They Still Have the Chance.