it's not rephrasing when you say a completely different thing.

This has to be trolling. Right? The horrible reality where someone thinks like this makes me a sad panda.

Kay? Jordan?

I can't feel good about this case coming to the current SCOTUS. They have been lucky to tap-dance their troubles away on this front, but when push comes to shove, they'll go back to the puddle of slime they were birthed in and find a horseshit answer to deny the right of gay marriage to people who want to do it.

I'm sure it's for a lollipop guaranteed, and the rest is some byzantine escalator/option thing that no one but Satan's own accountants can understand.

Sports is not allowed to break my dark cynical shriveled acorn of a heart.

"Six months, you say? I'm interested."

The best part of this article is the closing quote. You kind of want a statement of belief in a brighter future, a sunnier day, and the best the writer could find and that Bill-O gave was, "Well, he's gotta start somewhere."

In the not-too-distant future, not having visible tattoos will be banned from working with the public.

I see that MLS has figured out the art of the steal - they have learned well from their Big 4 brothers.

I kept wondering when the Cowboys will grasp mediocrity from the jaws of success this season - it looks like it finally happened. If Dallas isn't 9-7 or 8-8 and out of the playoffs at the end of the season, I will be genuinely surprised.

In a salary cap era, drafts are bullshit. Why should there be a draft when every team has the same resources (to spend on player salaries, anyway)?

The lead photo looks like a still from a boxing movie. I'm so used to basketball fights being slap fights and overly mimed haymakers that never hit that it's kind of shocking to see giant men fighting for reals.

Is Jimmy Fallon taller than I thought, or is Brad Pitt shorter than I thought?

Basketball is more than the games - it's the travel and the prep and the shootaround and whatever else - it'd be like your boss letting you go home at 4:26 instead of 4:30. It's nothing, it's bullshit.

His best position is "interesting novelty but unable to learn how to play football at the highest level"

I assume it was eventually ruled an incomplete forward pass with an intentional grounding penalty?

Is it any weirder than letting results from matches 5 years ago count for UEFA club coefficient points?

How about just reserving three champions spots in Pot 1 for the champions of the top 3 leagues, and giving the remaining 4 (after the title holder) to the highest UEFA-ranked qualifiers that aren't the title-holder and the 3 bigs?

Just how does Deadspin decide who's story is worth their filthy lucre, anyhow?