Theres a photo of me about..3 hours or so after giving birth: My husband is lovingly holding our son. I’m in the background, looking on from the hospital bed with a box of Cheez-Its in my hand and a mouth full of Oreos.

I was working at a relatively new restaurant in Portland, Oregon. We specialized in sandwiches made with fancy, local, organic ingredients.

Don’t forget the barrels of hand lotion, it will be worth a fortune on the black market when the government makes it a controlled substance.

“Porn Preppers” is the next TLC reality show.

When I rule the world the punishment for snapping your fingers to summon a server shall be the loss of said digits. I can’t even read a description of someone doing that without a red haze descending across my vision.

A few weeks ago, I was in a class for work, and we had a catered in lunch. The girl sitting next to me said, “Oh, I hope they have something gluten free.” I responded with “Oh, you have Celiac disease?” To which she replied, “No, I’m just kindof intolerant. Like if I eat gluten, I get bad heartburn.”

Bless my soul have I got a story!

Dude.

Honest to gosh, cross my heart this is true.

I spent three of the best summers of my life working at a little scout camp in Eastern Ontario, just outside of Perth. I have literally dozens of stories from it (I’ve already told two here) but this is my favourite:

We had a HUGE raccoon population around the camp. Big families that would get into gang fights at…

I hate diet sodas. I have never understood the obsession with diet coke, which to me tastes like someone tortured a real coke by killing all of its family members in front of it and it just cried out all of its goodness. It tastes like sad to me. THAT SAID, people who get preachy about food and your chosen variety of…

THE GREATEST!

are you fucking kidding me with this comment

“Oh, they’re a vegetarian, so they won’t eat anything that looks like meat.”

“Do you make your sandwiches with bread?”

I always take food out of the microwave with seconds left and don’t press cancel. I can almost guarantee he’d put that at the top of his: Reasons to Leave GetIt

HALF A CHORE. The worst.

Anyone else laughing at the fact that the female figure has to have her legs more closed than the male figure?